Monday, June 26, 2017

June 26, 2017

Dear Diary,

Woke up this morning to Bessie mumbling something about how the Supreme Court has restored parts of Carrot Head's travel ban, which has both me and her very concerned. We certainly don't want Bessie getting deported to leave our family. After all, she works for peanuts and doesn't complain about living in the garage has been with us so long, she's practically family.

After the you-know-what, I can see why the peasants Americans want some sort of travel ban in place. With England and France becoming muslim minefields, it's understandable that there would be vicious backlash to countries whose top exports are mostly smelly, bearded heathens who don't respect the value of prime real estate oil and um, oil.  But that doesn't mean that all muslims are bad people.

If I were queen in charge, I'd have approached travel restrictions sort of like I approach abortion, where a total abortion would be out, but partial term abortions would be in. The way I see it, you're kind of carving out the undesirable pieces, but letting the other stuff flow through.

So here's what my three-step travel ban would look like:

Step One: If you have a beard, you're out. If you have a vagina, you're in. This is not my being subjective. Science backs me up on this, because 99% of all crazed muslim dogs terrorists end up being non-women. So that makes sense right out of the gate. Also, anyone over 30 would be immediately rejected, because by that age, their skin starts to sag and wrinkle dogma is too rigid for them to really adapt to the culture of the good old USA.

Step Two: Enforce a scientific, data-driven height-to-weight ratio for the females that identifies those with healthy, statuesque figures. I'll leave it to the NIH to do the math, but I'm sure there's some sort of index like body/mass to keep the short fatties out prevent the less healthy immigrants from overtaxing our public health system. Also, each babe's woman's waist must measure less than both bust and hips.  I also like them with really long legs. That's very important.

Step Three: Physical inspections, so that I can see the goods before buying them to make sure that all of the remaining candidates are firm, supple and healthy. This is no big deal. They used to do this at Ellis Island and nobody complained, because they knew if they did, they'd be crated up and shipped back as freight returned to wherever they came from.

This way, the ones we let in would be much more cooperative and grateful.  And they're much more eager to please with a little fear in them, hint, hint.

See, that's a simple, uncomplicated three-step plan that would be easy to enforce and keep Huma in the country effective at the same time.  Maybe Huma would finally call me.  She only calls me when she needs something.  Bitch.

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