Thursday, December 14, 2017

December 14, 2017

Dear Diary,

Wow, this new methamphetamine Dr. Morell shot into my arm prescribed is amazing! I feel bright and shiny and and ready to order more people killed greet the day with a renewed vigor.  This new stuff has what's left of my mind racing with new ideas and answers to all my the country's problems.

Most importantly, I'm sure I have to solution to this whole Iranian issue. And it's so simple!!! I don't know why nobody has thought of this before! Carrot Head is wasting all this time posturing our jets and aircraft carriers, but after 36 hours with no sleep, I penciled it out and this makes way more sense:

Wood chippers.

The way I see it, the first part of Iran's problem is that they live in the middle of the most godforsaken desert ever. It's mostly sand that bakes at 130ยบ -- and that's when it cools down at night. The only thing that grows in that oven is the national debt, so those towel heads people need something more than light sweet crude to grow their economy. They need to diversify by growing crops. It's got to be more than dates, though, because all those do is give them canker sores and diarrhea.

The second part of my plan is rounding up those ISIS and other muslims troublemakers, which isn't as hard as everyone thinks. How hard can it be to capture ragheads insurgents driving homemade tanks that are basically ten year old Toyotas covered in tin foil shooting tennis balls?  When I was Secretary of State,  saw them trying to fire shoulder-launched SAM missiles and most of them can't hit the broadside of a barn from twenty feet out.

My idea is to feed those ISIS types into wood chippers and then use them for fertilizer! Mulch them into the sand and presto, you've got farmland ready to go!  Simple, isn't it? Best part is that you can throw all kinds of documents and evidence anything into a Merry Mac portable industrial and whatever comes out the other end looks like coffee grounds faster than you can say Allah Hu Akbar and would be very high in nitrogen content.

This is what I call a win-win-win situation. Iran grows more food. We eliminate a threat. And we save a ton of dough, too. You can buy those Merry Macs in bulk for a song.

I love this meth! Why didn't I get this stuff before? Why are my gums bleeding?

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