Monday, January 2, 2017

January 2, 2017

Dear Diary,

I am so conflicted today.  On the one hand, there's a beautiful Rose Parade with lots of flowers and floats and corporate messages that big companies pay huge money for.  I love that.  The whole idea of billions of  people sitting on their hands in front of their televisions sets watching what's basically a two hour infomercial for Citibank just appeals to me.  It looks like a very good business.

On the other hand, the rest of the day is completely inundated with college football games.  For the life of me, I have no idea why people make such a big deal about football.  For one thing, you can hardly call that thing a ball: it's pointed on both ends and you can't even bounce it. How anyone could call it a ball is beyond me.  And whatever importance football has with college is a mystery, although the one on Bill's shelf in study does somewhat resemble a guy I dated once.  We used to call him the "Wide Receiver" for obvious reasons.  I never told Bill about it, diary, because Bill had his own nickname and that would have opened up a whole new can of worms.

Okay, I'll give you a hint:  it involved a pencil.  But that's all I'm saying.

I've never been to a real parade, but unfortunately, I've been to plenty of real football games.  My team -- or I should say my former team -- used to insist that football games were great photo opportunities.  All I had to do was show up, pose in front of a crowd, pretend I was having a good time for a few minutes and then hustle back into the limo where the bar was open, ready and waiting.  Nothing like downing a few gimlets in a nice, warm stretch limousine while the rest of the peasants fans freeze their asses off cheer and enjoy themselves in the frosty winter chill.

Another reason I prefer parades over football is that parades only go in one direction, usually left to right if you're watching them on television.  Football games, from what I can tell, can't make up their minds.  First they go left.  Then they go right. Then left again.  It makes me dizzy.  I have to wear my special thick glasses to watch it, otherwise I get nauseous and believe me, nothing smells worse than two-day old barfed up nachos and beer.

The best part of today, however, is that I'm pretty sure the phone has stopped its nonstop ringing. For a while there, it just kept ringing and ringing at all times of the day and night.  Then Dr. Morell told me to cut the Wellbutrin in half and that seemed to quiet things down.

Oh look! There's a float with surfing dogs on it! They're so cute!  I love dogs. Dogs love you unconditionally.  And they never tell anyone what you tell them.  Or screw up spending a billion dollars and four years of plotting planning.

One day, I'd like to have my own parade.  I think I'd make a good parade queen.

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