Sunday, January 15, 2017

January 15, 2017

Dear Diary,

It's very cold outside, so I stayed inside in my favorite flannel bunny pajamas.  The ones with the footies.  One of the cable channels was having a "Wonder Woman" marathon, so I commanded asked Bessie to make me a cup of hot cocoa, wrapped up in my Snuggy and stayed cozy for most of the afternoon.  As a young girl, I was able to wear a Wonder Woman costume to Halloween parties, but I stopped wearing them after Bill made some remark about my looking like a campaign bus for Bob Dole.  After that, I pretty much just threw a sheet over my head and went as a ghost, which Bill said made me look much better.

Some time after the fourth episode, the one where Wonder Woman saves a nuclear reactor because men can't do it, Bessie brought in the mail.  Dr. Morell says that it's okay for me to open the mail, because as long as there's nothing about the you-know-what or things that might upset me (like Bill's copies of "Biker Chicks"), I can avoid elevated blood pressures or those random episodes of violence. If there's one thing I've learned, it's that you can't have Paxel, Prozac and butcher knives in the same house.  They just don't mix!

Anyway, one of the big envelopes was orange, so I guessed it was the tickets for Carrot Head's inauguration coronation "event" so I ripped it open to see if we got decent seats. I really wasn't prepared for what I saw next:  A free pass for two to any Arclight theater (for midday and early evening shows), a 50% OFF coupon for Jiffy Lube, a 3 day/2 night promotional offer at that Mexican Trump resort (but we'd have to attend a short seminar on timeshares) and a special limited offer for a "Collectible Inauguration Plate" from the Franklin Mint.  There might have been a coupon for a car wash, but since I don't drive, I just tossed it.

Somewhere in the envelope were the tickets to the Inauguration "event," which I have to admit, were pretty impressive. There was all this fancy writing about how freaking fabulous Carrot Head and his slut wife are, but then I noticed something really interesting:  The price was printed on the bottom!  I couldn't believe it!  The face value on those suckers was $500 a piece!

I was so outraged that I had to take another Valium.  The nerve of those people!!! Those seats were way at the back, probably next to John Lewis, that blabbermouth from Georgia, who NEVER stops talking.  Bill and I used to go to the movies with him, but I finally put my foot down when he wouldn't stop yammering during a special Congressional screening of "Rocky."  The whole time, he kept rooting for Apollo Creed, yelling at the screen that "Rocky's just another punk ass whitey."  I had to tell him to sit down and shut up. It was so embarrassing.

Bill saw the tickets and his face lit up like a Christmas tree.  He snatched them from me and disappeared, chirping something about an "eBay" or a "StubHub."  Not sure what he meant, but as long as he stays away, I'm happy.  Episode 16 of Wonder Woman is about to start!  This is the one where she saves the world from Russian spies, because men can't.

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