Thursday, February 2, 2017

February 2, 2017

Dear Diary,

Thank goodness the winter snow has stopped for a while.  The sun has come out, and Dr. Morell says I should look at it as a sign from heaven that the dark clouds of my existence are beginning to dissipate.  Personally, I think he's full of shit, because I still down at least eleven pills a day and haven't been out of the house since those Secret Service men wrestled me into the van for Carrot Head's coronation inauguration.

I've kind of gotten used to staying in pajamas all day long.  They're warm and fuzzy and if it's good enough for Hugh Hefner, I suppose it's just another lifestyle change to which I can adapt.  I've had to make a lot of changes for jobs over the years.  When Bill was governor of Arkansas, I had to play the role of a conservative wife, often pretending to be heterosexual taking up causes that I didn't necessarily believe in.

But then, I've also been very misunderstood.

One time, when I was protecting the right of abortion clinics to do business, I was accused of being a "baby killer," which I thought was both unfair and untrue. If anything, I was taking a very conservative position on the rights of American enterprise and its right to function in a free economy.  I thought I had some good arguments, too, like how domestic baby parts were much cheaper than imported baby parts.  I thought I was being a good, patriotic American, and even considered introducing a bill placing a tariff on foreign baby parts to protect the American baby pars business.  But did I get any support for that? Noooooo.  Not even a single birthday card.

At that point, I realized that life doesn't always go your way and that you have to adapt to changes.  Bill became president and I had to do the whole "devoted First Lady" thing, so I jumped into a shiny new pants suit and offered up a whole new national health care plan.  This was way before Big Ears rammed through that whole Obamacare mess, which Carrot Head is ripping apart as we speak.  My plan came with a really cute membership card that had all your information so that we knew exactly who you were and where you were and what you did and when you did it. We had a big one made for the press conference photo opportunity, sort of like the Russian Reset Button.

Well, neither one really succeeded.  But at least I tried.

I've tried a lot over the last few decades. I didn't always win, but I always did try.  If I've learned anything, it's that you have to adapt to the changes life brings, which sometimes can change your mind.

Like whether all those babies might have voted for me instead of Carrot Head.

Oh well.  We're having Cream of Wheat for breakfast.

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