Thursday, February 9, 2017

February 9, 2017

Dear Diary,

I'm still not 100%. Dr. Morell says it could be a while before things return to normal, so until then I guess I keep taking these little green pills every morning. I spend a lot of time in bed, which means I don't get out much.  I have to admit that my judgement isn't quite as sharp as it was before the you-know-what.  For example, I found out too late that "Spray 'n Wash" wasn't a shampoo for people who can't take showers.  My bad.  I sprayed a half bottle into my hair so now I look like Sonic the Hedgehog. Bessie says it will take at least a month to grow out, which is a long time to sit around watching Oprah reruns.

I did happen to catch something about Carrot Head's new Attorney General, which if true, knocked me back a few paces.  If the Thorazine wasn't affecting my hearing, I could have sworn that Jeff Sessions was confirmed for Department of Justice, which is an interesting choice.  Jeff is from the south, like me, except he's from Alabama.  People get Arkansas and Alabama confused all the time, especially the Jews. Not everyone is a Klan member down there.  Some are Nazis.

Jeff and I have known each other forever.  We have a lot in common.  In fact, we used to wear the same size sheet.  Of course, that was a long time ago and I haven't spoken to him since he chummied up to  Coretta Scott King.  I have no idea what went on between those two, but apparently they exchanged letters and if I've learned anything, it's never to put anything in writing!

I always thought I'd make a great Attorney General.  Not like those dweebs Big Ears appointed.  Let's face it, neither Eric Holder or Loretta Lynch could be mistaken for geniuses.  They were hired because they were you-know-whats, but since Obozo was a you-know-what himself, everyone was too scared to say anything about it so we just let it slide.  Bill used to crack jokes about how retarded Loretta was. One time, after a few too many Jack Daniels, he bet his personal tramp secretary that he could make Loretta either bark like a dog or scuttle an FBI investigation.  Turns out she did both, but screwed up the FBI thing so badly he had to chew her out on a the Foundation's airplane, where there's still a pee stain in the carpet around row 15.

Holder wasn't exactly the sharpest tool in the shed, either. For a skinny guy, he liked to throw his weight around as if he were some kind of big shot.  I'd see him a parties, blasted three sheets to the wind, dancing and ogling every pretty intern while yelling, "You better fuck me! I can have you arrested! I'm the top law man!"  Honestly, it was embarrassing.  I'm no racist, but you sure didn't see Bobby Kennedy make a fool out of himself in public like that.  He always fucked his interns in private.

My goodness, I'm running late. Dr. Morell is making a house call today and I want to look presentable.  Probably should wax my upper lip.

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