Saturday, February 18, 2017

February 18,2017

Dear Diary,

Had a pretty good day, considering Bessie made the scrambled eggs too runny, which kind of grosses me out.  She's been with us since Samir was deported for at least three years, so she really should know better.  I hate it when the clear eggy stuff rolls all over the plate.  It looks like she sneezed on the plate.  Maybe she did.  She'll do that sort of thing when she thinks I'm not looking.  But I know.  I write everything down. The problem is I lose it after I write it, so who knows what I've written.

Well, Podesta knows.  That bastard.

Today, though, as I was rummaging through Bill's desk right after breakfast, I found something I hadn't thought about in years.  It was a personal note from Senator John McCain to Bill, written in McCain's own handwriting.  I could tell it was John's, because the penmanship was awful.  The only senator with worse handwriting is Bob Dole, which makes sense when you consider Dole's war injury keeps the poor man's arm dangling by his side like a salami in a delicatessen window. But McCain has no excuse.  Both his arms work!

I've never really liked John.  He's just another party boy with a lumpy face. And he's from Arizona, just like Barry Goldwater, except that Goldwater had much better hair.  John must be 80 by now and he still does that tasteless combover thing, which I'm sure makes him think he can pass for 79. Puh-leeze.

You should have seen the note he sent Bill.  I was thinking it would be a congratulatory note about becoming king president, but it was dated from 1992 and went on and on for pages, with phrases like, "I hope your draft-dodging ass lands in hell with Kerry and Jane Fonda," or something like that.  It was hard to read because the writing was smeared from where John must have passed out and drooled on the stationery.

I suppose I feel a bit sorry for John, but anyone in the game knows you can't keep winning elections telling the same story about how little Chinamen kept zapping your nuts with a converted nine volt transistor radio.  In my book, he's a hero, but apparently, other military people aren't that hot on him, either.  He comes from a long line of army.  Or Navy.  I forget which. What I do know is that one time on a ship, his jet exploded and everyone scattered like roaches as shit exploded all over the deck. There's even a YouTube video of John jumping out of the plane.  The footage is pretty fuzzy, so you can't tell if he's got a bottle with him or not, but you know where my money is on that one! Haha.

Well, John's getting old now.  I hear he sleeps a lot and makes speeches in Europe about Carrot Head that nobody cares about. I'm pretty sure they show up for the free food.  I mean, honestly, who goes to Munich to make a speech? Everyone knows you go to Munich for beer.  See, that's the John McCain I know. Tee hee.

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