Tuesday, February 21, 2017

February 21, 2017

Dear Diary,

I don't know what's going on with me.  Dr. Morell took the President's Day weekend off, so he wasn't responding to my text messages when I started feeling dizzy and nauseous right before lunch time.  I must have texted him at least four times, but every time I did, all I got back were color photographs of an erect penis from someone called "Carlos Danger" and a message that said, "It's hard being away from you."  That's not like Dr. Morell at all. He usually just refers me to a nurse or has the pharmacy deliver another bucket of Xanax.

Other than that, I was feeling relatively strong today, empowered by watching that Le Pen woman in France when she refused to wear one of those scarves those ragheads arab diplomats give women to wear at political meetings. I think they're called shishkebabs.  I'm not a racist, so I always would bend over and take it like a man wore one of those shishkebabs out of cultural respect, but this Le Pen character was taking no prisoners!  She was all, "I wipe my ass with your head scarf!" only she said it in French, so I can't guarantee she actually said that.

One thing for sure, that Lebanese guy she was supposed to meet with was plenty pissed off.  He totally cancelled the meeting and let everyone back home know about it BIG TIME!  We're talking about an entire region populated with millions of goat people barrels of oil Sunnis and Shiites who are going to get the message about Le Pen in no uncertain terms, especially if she ascends to the French throne wins France's next election.

This kind of thing could get way out of hand:  First you start with women not wearing shishkebabs and next thing you know, those women will stop wearing those black burqas, too!  I could never understand why those burqas are black.  If you've ever been to the Middle East, you know that most of the time, it's like a hundred million degrees in the shade, which means there's a lot of sweating going on, especially in your hairy parts.  Add that to the way they let donkeys and camels roams around like they own the place, and you can just imagine how bad the place smells on a 24/7 basis.

When I was Secretary of State, I stayed in the car a lot because its air conditioner had a filter with a Febreze freshener snapped on to the front.  I had to hold my nose when we bolted out of the car and sprinted into the hotel lobby.

I still don't understand why those burqas are black.  They should make them in bright colors, like pinks and yellow, which are much more cheerful and reflect the heat.  Those women need to be empowered! But they're so oppressed that every time one of them makes a suggestion, her head gets chopped off.  Sort of like my campaign team during the you-know-what!  Ha ha ha!

That was funny.  I'm going to save that one.

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