Thursday, February 23, 2017

February 23, 2017

Dear Diary,

Today I was motivated to move around and did five jumping jacks!  I know that may not sound like much, but after months in bed, your muscles can really start to atrophy.  "You've got to stay active to stay alive," says Dr. Morell, who cautioned me to start off slowly.  At first I didn't know what that meant, but after the second jumping jack, my left boob smacked me right in the face and then it all made sense.  I'm having Bessie go into the attic to find my running bra from college.

Physical activity really does sharpen the old bean.  For a few minutes, I was able to focus on the television, which Dr. Morell says is okay to watch as long as I don't take the news seriously and I do take the Xanax religiously.  After the fifth jumping jack, my heart was beating like a rabbit, so I collapsed into the big leather chair to let things calm down.  I was kind of sweaty, which is not good for leather.  Bessie knows she needs to wipe it down ASAP, but sometimes she gets there too late and my hyperacidity stains things.  I've always been highly acidic, especially when I sweat.  I used to burn holes right through the armpits of my sweaters in high school, and nobody can kill a houseplant faster just by touching it.  It's just one more cross I have to bear.

I was not prepared for what I saw next:  I was just sitting there, soaking in sweat, watching a little MSNBC, when I heard that Carrot Head's new Attorney General, Jeff Sessions, was going to cancel transgender bathrooms in public schools.  Well, you could have knocked me over with a feather!  After all the hard work those freaks the gender-confused the LGBTQ community has done to advance their cause, it seems unjust to simply undo all that plumbing and put it back the way it was.  I remember when we first bought this house, we had to rip out all the old PVC and cast iron lines and replace them with copper, just to bring things up to code.  It cost a fortune!

I don't know about anyone else, but in my next life, I'm coming back as a plumber.  It's like printing money, especially when they find out you're paying cash under the table.  Boy, did THEY see us coming.  The plumbers we used were mostly Italians, and even though they worked hard and did a reasonably good job, there was always one or two guys sitting outside the trailer who didn't seem to do much other than play cards and smoke cigars.  Our copper pipes were stolen twice during the job and neither of those guidos gentlemen claimed to know anything about it.  We still have leaks, but they're mostly in Bessie's room, which is over the garage.  We'll get to those at some point.

So I can only imagine how expensive difficult reversing the whole transgender bathroom thing is going to be for everyone, especially if they use the same plumbers we did.  Also, it will be tough on those kids in school, many of whom are going to have to find new ways of attracting attention to themselves just beginning to explore their own sexuality.  I'm not exactly sure how plumbing figures into that, but they're young.  They have a lot of questions.  Like if George Takei is making any money from Spacebook or that Tweeter thing.

Whew, I'm pretty ripe.  Going to rest up and see if I can stand long enough to take a nice hot shower!

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