Today I was motivated to move around and did five jumping jacks! I know that may not sound like much, but after months in bed, your muscles can really start to atrophy. "You've got to stay active to stay alive," says Dr. Morell, who cautioned me to start off slowly. At first I didn't know what that meant, but after the second jumping jack, my left boob smacked me right in the face and then it all made sense. I'm having Bessie go into the attic to find my running bra from college.
Physical activity really does sharpen the old bean. For a few minutes, I was able to focus on the television, which Dr. Morell says is okay to watch as long as I don't take the news seriously and I do take the Xanax religiously. After the fifth jumping jack, my heart was beating like a rabbit, so I collapsed into the big leather chair to let things calm down. I was kind of sweaty, which is not good for leather. Bessie knows she needs to wipe it down ASAP, but sometimes she gets there too late and my hyperacidity stains things. I've always been highly acidic, especially when I sweat. I used to burn holes right through the armpits of my sweaters in high school, and nobody can kill a houseplant faster just by touching it. It's just one more cross I have to bear.
I was not prepared for what I saw next: I was just sitting there, soaking in sweat, watching a little MSNBC, when I heard that Carrot Head's new Attorney General, Jeff Sessions, was going to cancel transgender bathrooms in public schools. Well, you could have knocked me over with a feather! After all the hard work
I don't know about anyone else, but in my next life, I'm coming back as a plumber. It's like printing money, especially when they find out you're paying cash under the table. Boy, did THEY see us coming. The plumbers we used were mostly Italians, and even though they worked hard and did a reasonably good job, there was always one or two guys sitting outside the trailer who didn't seem to do much other than play cards and smoke cigars. Our copper pipes were stolen twice during the job and neither of those
So I can only imagine how
Whew, I'm pretty ripe. Going to rest up and see if I can stand long enough to take a nice hot shower!