Monday, February 27, 2017

February 27, 2017

Dear Diary,

My goodness, what an exciting night!  I normally don't watch the Oscars, unless I've received a lot of donations from Hollywood actors seen at least four of the movies nominated for best picture.  This year was a little different, though, because I was so busy during the you-know-what and the Secret Service goons wouldn't let me attend the cinema.  They said it was too dangerous and that someone would try to kill me.  AS IF.

The only reason I got to see "La La Land" was that Clooney had a screener's DVD he sent me, but I fell asleep during the first song.  I love musicals.  My favorite -- for obvious reasons  -- is the one about that guy in England who throws people into a meat grinder and makes pies out of them.  True story! Sweeney something.  I really should send Clooney a thank you note.  He's got a nice face but is dumber than a pile of rocks.

I used to love watching the Academy Awards.  Back then, everything was so glamorous, with stars who were white bigger than life and mostly closeted homos talented beyond belief.  You'll never see another Fred Astaire or Cary Grant again.  Well, I guess they could be a little fey, but Clark Gable, John Wayne and Steve McQueen were 100% male.  No crybabies.  I never saw any of them whine like little bitch on screen or off.  A girl knew where she stood with men like that.  I mean, none of them was my type at all, but you get my point.  I was always more a Joan Crawford fan.  Yum.

Between you and me, now this whole Oscar thing is looking less and less like a movie competition and more and more like an Affirmative Action program.  I'm all for ogling empowering women of color, but for God's sake, give it a rest already!  It doesn't help your cause being a political potty mouth up on stage in front of billions of people. That just reinforces racists' stereotypes and reminds them of what you look like in a tight, clingy tiger print teddy.  Maybe with fishnet stockings and stiletto heels.  You know, in a room full of oversize plants with dim lighting and drum beat music playing softly in the background while you slither like a snake and slowly lick my ear.

That has nothing to do with movies.

Of course, everyone is talking about how they announced the wrong movie for best picture, but even Bill could tell the whole thing was planned -- and he's dumber than Clooney.  They did the same thing Steve Harvey did -- on purpose -- so that they could reverse tanking ratings next year.  So obvious!!!!  It's like people who watch NASCAR races, hoping that they won't miss another spectacular crash like the one last year.  I know what I'm talking about.  I raised a lot of money out west.

Those Hollywood Jews are smart.

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