Wednesday, March 1, 2017

March 1, 2017

Dear Diary,

Wow, that was some speech last night, eh?  I was thrilled to watch it, mainly because after Dr. Morell adjusted my meds, I was afraid I'd sleep through it. But it turns out that this time, he got it just right!   I was able to see and hear what the entire country is raving about!  What prose!  What a moment!  And what a refreshing take on our national priorities!

For a little while, I was worried we were headed in the wrong direction, but not after watching last night's speech!

Frankly, I'm a little confused why they decided to hold the Joint Address to Congress in a run-down diner somewhere in the sticks of Kentucky.  For that matter, I'm not really sure how a washed-up ex-governor like Steve Beshear ended up being the one to deliver the State of the Union address.  Or why he made it from a coffee shop.  I thought Carrot Head was supposed to make the speech, but maybe I missed something.  I've been sick for a while.

Don't get me wrong, Steve is a nice guy for a white trash Baptist.  He says he doesn't drink or womanize, but there's a reason that diner was half-empty, believe you me.  That man was a terror when he was on the loose as governor.  I know a few Kentucky thoroughbreds who could make your hair stand on end if they could talk, and I'm not talking about reruns of "Mister Ed."

And if you were a young, petite, lithe jockey?  HAH! Forget about it.

Another odd thing about the speech is that I didn't recognize one member of Congress in the audience.  I think I saw a black guy sitting in the back, but that might have been the Thorazine blurring my vision.  The place was mostly filled with fat white people sitting at tables waiting for their coffee.  When I was there, they they didn't allow any food in Congress.  They were really strict, too.  If you so much as got caught chewing gum, they made you stand up in front of everyone and stick it on your nose until the session adjourned!

They weren't quite as tough if you got caught kissing a Senate page, so I guess things evened out.

Also, this Joint Address to Congress seemed very informal to me.  I think they could have dressed Steve up a bit more.  Ever since he got his eyes done, the man thinks he's all it, but God forbid he should put on a suit and tie.  He and Pelosi go to the same plastic surgeon, which is why neither of them can close their eyes completely.  Ever notice how they both always look like they just walked in on a surprise party?  Tacky.

Still, the speech started out just fine until the middle part, where, in my opinion,  things went terribly wrong.  I was sitting in bed, enjoying a slice of pizza, when some tomato sauce dripped on to my favorite nighty.  That part of the speech upset me the most, because tomato sauce doesn't wash out as easily as blood, which you just have to spit on and rub real hard to make disappear (We did that with Vince Foster and it worked like a charm).  Now I'm just beside myself.  That was my best nighty and Wal-Mart doesn't have any more in my size.  I checked.

Shoot.

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