Sunday, March 5, 2017

March 5, 2017

Dear Diary,

It's Sunday but Dr. Morell still doesn't think my going to church is such a good idea, even with doubling the Prozac.  He thinks that facing the grimy, unwashed masses other people out in public is a "threat to my fragility." Apparently, even though there wouldn't be any poor, non-white people we'd probably be among rich, white Episcopalians friends,  you never know who could be hiding behind a bush, just waiting to cover my mouth, take me down, tie me up, pull down my pants and do all kinds of dirty, nasty things to me.  I hope they wouldn't use oils, though, because it would be outside on the ground and dirt really sticks to oily stuff and it stains permanently.  Even pre-soaking in Biz doesn't get that stuff out.  Oh, the TV commercials say it does, but it doesn't.

I guess Dr. Morell knows what he's talking about, because these days, there's all kinds of mischief out there.  I heard a few more little tidbits about Carrot Head talking to Russians and Obama bugging Carrot Head's apartment. A lot of this sounds like spy novel, but I know what happened, because during Obozo's reign term, I was Secretary of State, which is pretty much like being the President in places where they don't speak English or bathe regularly.

When I was in charge power at State, we planted more bugs than you'd find crawling over a dead dog's eye.  We'd sit up for hours with headphones and beer, laughing til two in the morning, recording the best stuff.  I swear to god, you wouldn't believe the shit Angela Merkel would say about Obama on what she "thought" was her private line.  It was always, "What's with that schvartze?"  "Schvartze" actually means "black" in German, but it really used the way we use the "N" word.

Politicians can be very insensitive. The Merkel thing reminds me of how John McCain can get when he has a few too many and starts calling anyone with slanted eyes "gooks."  It doesn't matter who.  He can be at a state dinner when all of a sudden, he yells, "INCOMING!" and then ducks under the furniture, and talking into a soup bowl "requesting cover."  He has episodes like that.  It really got him in trouble one time at a Republican party, when McCain got completely wrecked, jumped on Mitch McConnell's wife and tried to do the nasty with her, because she's a Korean or Siamese or something.  When they finally pulled him off, all he could do was start swinging wildly and yelling, "WHO'S GONNA KNOW, MAN?  WHO'S GONNA KNOW?"

It was most unseemly.

Then there was that time when we did everything we could to mess up the elections in Israel.  Nobody liked Netanyahu, and Obozo really hated him, probably because Netanyahu was straight.  We couldn't even find anyone with a man-crush on the guy, so we had to resort to bugging his office.  Nothing.  But this is when experience counts, and I had plenty of experience.  So instead of listening in on his calls, we fabricated calls to his office to plant incriminating evidence.  It was my idea to order pizzas to be delivered to Natanyahu's office and then make him pay for it!  Is that funny?  We used to do that in college.  It was my idea to make them Hawaiian pizzas, because those have ham on them, so if the papers didn't report his mixing milk and meat, they'd nail him on eating a pig.

I thought it was a great plan, but the rest of the team rolled their eyes and muttered things under their breath, probably because they couldn't believe that a woman was in charge.  I thought that was disrespectful, so I didn't share any of the twenty pizzas we ordered.  They could just stay hungry in the truck, for all I cared.  I was upstairs in the Tel Aviv Hilton eating Hawaiian pizza and watching Oprah.

We bugged Italians, Spanish, French -- you name it.  So I wouldn't be surprised if Carrot Head hears himself on the Howard Stern show some time soon.  I just hope we don't have to hear him singing the theme song to "Green Acres" like he did at the Emmys that time.  He's no Tony Bennett.

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