Monday, March 6, 2017

March 6, 2017

Dear Diary,

Today was bath day!  Nothing washes your cares away better than peeling off a week's worth of sweaty flannel pajamas and stepping into the hot, steamy mist.  I'm still a little frail, so I have Bessie help me in and out of the shower.  At my age, it's easy to slip and break a hip, then get bed-ridden, catch pneumonia and next thing you know, you're all hooked up to those beep-beep machines at Walter Reed hospital while CNN prepares your obituary.  Not me!  I make sure Bessie stays close by, handing me the soap and washcloth.  Sometimes I ask her to scrub the places on my body that can be a little difficult for me to reach.  I have her lather up the washcloth to make it nice and slippery.  Then I have her gently rub.  Back and forth.  Back and forth.  Not too quickly, though.  If she goes too fast, it reminds me of Webb Hubbell and that spoils the whole thing.

I've always been a very clean person.  For example, I never wear the same pants suit more than three times without having it dry cleaned.  I also soak my bridges for ten hours, instead of the six they recommend on the side of the Polident box.  And you'll never find me wearing the same underwear for more than a week, unless I'm visiting the Middle East.  You can get away with that kind of stuff there.

Speaking of which, I just heard that Carrot Head issued another Executive Order restricting travel, only this time, it's not going to affect anyone from Iraq.  That seems so weird to me, because let's face it, those people are heathens an arab is an arab a person is a person, and even though muslims are not really human observe different customs, we need to appreciate all people's differences, such as the way Iraqis dress.  They all wear those flowing robes and towels on their heads, which could be hiding anything from lesbian porn DVD's to a chastity belt packed with enough C4 explosive to take out four square blocks -- and the includes all of the goats.  But that doesn't mean they all do that.  Some of them value their children, their homes and their goats.  I'm just not sure in what order.

Confidentially, I could never tell a Sunni from a Shiite.  I always had to use flash cards to tell me who was what. I think there are more Sunnis than Shiites, or more Shiites than Sunnis.  Saddam Hussein was a Shiite, but he only wore the robes and towels for photo opps.  Most of the time he wore a military uniform to come off as all macho to women. Then when anyone found out he'd gassed a few hundred thousand Kurds, he'd switch to the whole "pious muslim" thing and do the robe and headdress bit.  Nobody was buying it, but everyone was scared shitless to say anything, because this was the same guy who chopped up his brother-in-law and fed him to his guard dogs!  That was so horrible.  I feed our puppies lamb and rice from Petco.  It's much better for them.

I don't know how much safer I'd feel with this new immigration thing.  It doesn't really stop anyone who's determined to get in to America.  It sure as hell didn't keep George Soros out, but they probably let him in because he was so hard to look at.   I like George and everything, but there's a guy who looks like he got beaten way hard with an ugly stick.  See, what we really should be doing is banning people who are unattractive.

He's really rich, though.  I should call him.

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