Tuesday, March 14, 2017

March 14, 2017

Dear Diary,

Found out this morning that the web site for my 2016 you-know-what is still online and accepting donations.  Honestly, I don't know what to do about this situation.  The you-know-what has been over for some time, but according to our bank records, it's still accepting donations.  Of course I'm not surprised that the fuck-ups who destroyed campaign my staff simply bolted and left the lights on nobody handled this, but this is downright irresponsible.  The least they could have done is forward the funds to my personal checking account.  Xanax isn't free, you know.

As I contemplate my future, it occurs to me that maybe keeping the web site up is a good idea.  After all, we've collected zillions of suckers voters' data, which means we could still tap those wallets stay in touch as we "persist and resist."  Let's face it, now that the Clinton Foundation is toast, the towel-heads those terrorists the arabs aren't dropping baskets full of money anymore don't visit as frequently, so I guess it's time to be thinking about alternate means of income.

When Chel was over the other day, she suggested that I do something like handcrafts.  Apparently, she has friends that are selling hand-made earrings on Etsy from their $10 million condominiums that their parents bought for them.  We bought Chel a nice place, too, but to be honest, she's all thumbs and failed every art class she ever took.  We once tried to put her into a ballet class, but she had trouble standing on one foot, which the instructor said could be an indication that she was retarded.  He didn't actually say "retarded."  He said she was "slow," but we all knew what that fucking homo he meant, so we yanked her out of that class and put her into a low-stress finger-painting class.  I think she was fifteen or sixteen. We still have one of her pieces on the refrigerator in the kitchen.

The big question is what could we do with that web site?  I'm not sure where I got the idea -- it could be the Adderol -- but I'm thinking we shouldn't sell a product, we should sell a monthly subscription to something, like Oprah does.  That's where the real money is.  Oprah makes bank like nobody's business and if a fat, old barf-bag like that can rake it in selling the same shit over and over again every month, anyone can.

Unless I had to be black.  That could be a problem.

In the meantime, I see Carrot Head selling everything from baseball caps to neckties on Spacebook, so there has to be something that fits me.  What about this:  Medication dispensers that work like those little Pez things.  You could have a cartoon character for each different pill, like Bugs Bunny for Demerol or Daffy Duck for Thorazine.  Wouldn't that be cute? It would make meds so much more enjoyable and Americans need to stay on their meds.  I know I sure do.

I'm going to put a call into George Clooney to see if he can help.  This is big.

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