Wednesday, March 15, 2017

March 15, 2017

Dear Diary,

This week, Dr. Morell seems to have balanced the meds just right, so I was able to get through the day without my usual two hour nap and even watch a little television during my sponge bath.  Now that I've seen all the black and white reruns of "Lassie," Dr. Morell said it's fine to watch something a little more current, so we skipped "The Beverly Hillbillies" (color versions) and caught a few minutes of Mr. Maddow's news show on MSNBC.

I have to say, Mr. Maddow was quite riveting, with a story about Carrot Head's income taxes!  This was the moment I'd been waiting for, because all during the you-know-what, I was the one calling for him to show us what he's got, so to speak.  He was the one in that stupid red baseball cap telling everyone, "Poor me, poor me!  I'm under audit and can't release my taxes!"  Boo-fucking-hoo.  Like none of us have ever been investigated!  And then he spun some line about "being smart means not paying taxes," but if he were really smart, he'd have buried his unreported income in a charitable foundation like we did have hired a really good accountant, so I knew Mr. Maddow must have had the goods on him.

I had Bessie make some Jiffy-Pop for the occasion.  I love Jiffy-Pop.  The popcorn itself isn't as good as Orville Redenbacher's or as fast as that microwave stuff from Costco, but we both love watching the tin foil thing balloon up on the stove.  It tends the burn the shit out of the popcorn and smoke up the kitchen, but as Dr. Morell says, sometimes you've got to live a little.

I have to say, I like Mr. Maddow, but he's no Geraldo Rivera.  I really thought we were going to get a bombshell about Carrot Head going to jail for tax evasion, but it turns out that in 2005, he actually paid a higher rate than both Obozo and Bernie -- and that's not even including the beach house payments Bernie writes off as "miscellaneous expenses."

Then I got hit with Mr. Maddow's bombshell!

I had no idea Carrot Head had that much money.  He's got billions for realz (I learned to put a "z" on things to be cooler with the kids). Confidentially, dear diary, this whole incident put Carrot Head in a totally different light for me, you know, as a woman.  Not that I would admit this to anyone else, but after seeing that much money his private side, I can see what some women could find attractive about Carrot Head.  The guy is a money magnet.  You can tell, because his family is practically swimming in Jews.

We could only watch about fifteen minutes of the show, but that was enough to excite me to the point where I had to double the Valium to get some sleep.  As I lay there in the dark, I did some thinking.  Maybe I've been wrong about Carrot Head. Maybe I've learned you have to keep an open wallet mind about people.

Also, Mr. Maddow really needs to change his glasses, though.  These things make him look like a lesbian.

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