Thursday, March 16, 2017

March 16, 2017

Dear Diary,

I was awake just long enough to see that my "persistence and resistance" campaign is really taking hold!  Even though I lost the you-know-what, I'm beginning to think that being a puppet master working behind the scenes might be a better tactic toward my ascension to the throne return to public life.

Today, a Hawaiian judge completely destroyed Carrot Head's executive order, exactly the way he was paid to do I was hoping he would.  I love Hawaiian judges, even though they look kind of Japanese. And I know the Hawaiian people love me.  When Bill and I visited there, they treated us very kindly.  Everywhere we went, they referred to us as "fa-keen haolies," which I'm given to understand is a term of endearment reserved for white people non-islanders.

I have great respect for the Hawaiian people.  Their culture is rich with tradition that includes mystical legends, ukulele music, flower print shirts and white patent leather shoes.  It's one of the few places where western culture hasn't eradicated native customs, especially at the Hilton, where the all-you-can-eat buffet is to die for.  And the people are friendly.  It's not like Jamaica, where they put snakes in your bed.  Even if you only have to travel a few blocks, Hawaiian cab drivers insist on giving you special "fa-keen haolie" tours of the whole island.  They're expensive, but worth it!

My earliest memories of the islands go back to the seventies, when we were fortunate to have dinner at a nightclub and see the legendary Don Ho perform.  He was still alive back then.  At least we think he was.  Don had put on a ton of weight, and to be perfectly honest, I'm not sure he still knew all the words to "Tiny Bubbles."  I think he drank more tiny bubbles than anything else, because after he drooled out a few lines, four huge Samoans carted him out while six pretty tahinis wheeled in a barbecued pig for dinner.  "Tahini" is Hawaiian for "pretty girl."  It also means "dipping sauce," I think.  It's been a long time.

Regardless, I applaud those Hawaiian judges for doing their duty the way they see fit.  After all, they've never been inconvenienced by a San Bernardino or a 9/11 thing experienced a real tragedy.  Oh, there was that Pearl Harbor thing, but that's just for tourism because the planning commission wouldn't approve a Six Flags roller coaster on Diamond Head. They really think the worst that can happen is that some angry god can whip up a volcano.  But that's what virginal daughters are for, right?  Like those softener strips for the laundry -- you just toss one in and you're good to go!

Just realized it's Thursday -- grilled cheese sandwiches for lunch!

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