Monday, March 20, 2017

March 20, 2017

Dear Diary,

Had a terrible night.  Just couldn't get comfortable and even beating my pillow like Podesta at election headquarters didn't help.  I kept flopping around in bed like a live trout on a hot summer sidewalk.  By early morning, I just gave up and turned on the tube to see Jim Comey getting the crap beat out of him by a whole gaggle of Congressmen.  I guess everyone has their panties in a bunch about the Russians helping Carrot Head win the you-know-what, but honestly I don't know what all the fuss is about. Poor Jimbo. We used to call him the Punching Bag.

Anyone who knows anything about the Russkies knows that beyond hookers, vodka and nuclear weapons, they don't give a hoot in hell about who's running the show over here.  In fact, when I was Secretary of State, I tried bribing those maniacs with everything we had tried a number of tactics to gain their support, but believe me, if the reset button isn't guzzling Stoli while wearing a string bikini, they have no interest in the deal.  I had to give away a boat load of Uranium just to get them to look at a hacking job and even then they made everything difficult by insisting I put it on their American Express cash-back card. They are SO cheap.

During all that time, poor Comey was real nuisance.  What a nebbish, as the Jews say.  He never knew which end was up if the Russians were involved or who should get what bribe had access to real information.  We used to torture him by telling him to bring in lunch from the deli next door, then yell at him for getting the order wrong.

Loretta Lynch was especially brutal on him.  One time, when he brought her back a pastrami with a sweet pickle instead of a dill, she went off on him by opening her eyes really wide and yelling, "It's because I'm black, isn't it? ISN'T IT?"  Jimmy just stood there, frozen in his tracks, then turned and left the office in tears.  A real Scarlett O'Hara move.  We laughed and laughed.  Then just to mess with him, Loretta called and left a voicemail for him in Russian.  Totally freaked him out.  He's so wound up. That's why he has such huge bags under his eyes.  The man simply refuses to wear concealer.

I guess I feel a little sorry for Comey, getting grilled like that by all those thimble-headed morons Congressional inquisitors. On the other hand, I guess it had the right effect.  After ten minutes, I fell asleep and woke up late in the afternoon feeling fresh as a daisy.  Watched reruns of "The Price is Right."  I liked Bob Barker better as a brunette.

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