Tuesday, March 21, 2017

March 21, 2017

Dear Diary,

Today was a very historic day that I will always remember, an important day for the country but also for me.  For me, it was important because it was the day Dr. Morell finally allowed me to use the creams instead of those messy suppositories for my hemorrhoids.  You have no idea how that changes things around here.  I know that Bessie, for one, is happy to hear the news. She hated that part of the job. It means things will smell a lot better around here and we can save a small fortune on surgical gloves, too!

It also happened to be the day Congress grilled that nice Neil Gorsuch about replacing that horrible Scalia person for the Supreme Court job.  I have to admit it's sort of incredibly boring to watch those Senators ask him the same kinds of question over and over again.  I mean, really, how many times can you ask a man about Roe v. Wade?  Ask the question one time! You either like to kill innocent babies or you don't.  What's the big deal?  Get on with it!

If I were on that committee, you can bet I'd ask the really important stuff that nobody else thinks about asking.  I'd ask the stuff that matters, like if he ever kissed another man.  Or if he's circumcised.  That's the stuff the American people want to know!  We used to do that when I was in college.  A bunch of my sorority sisters and I would gather in a circle with a few buckets of cheap wine and play "truth or dare."  It was really fun!  You had to either answer a question or take a swig out of a gallon jug of Gallo rosé.  I remember one time, I took the dare with Sally Barnes, our sorority treasurer.  She was the ginchiest.  I forgot they she asked me, but when I deliberately took the dare to kiss her, I totally laid into her with full tongue for like five minutes. Tee hee!  I don't know why she left the room crying.  Oh well.

I think that's how they should do these hearings, too. You could find out all kinds of really important stuff, too.  Gorsuch is from Colorado.  They get really weird there.  They also get a shit load of cancer out there, too, probably because they atomic testing range is upwind and all those nuclear blasts have been poisoning their water tables for decades.  If memory serves, I believe Aspen is one of the few cities that has hot and cold running Strontium 90.  I know a lot of people in Colorado.  Well, I used to know them. Most of them moved there after listening to too many John Denver albums but they stayed permanently. About six feet under.

Gorsuch looks healthy, though.  He has a nice full head of hair, which I don't think is wig like most of those patients wear. I can usually tell who's wearing a cancer wig because I watch a lot of day time television and more than half the commercials are for those medical scams cancer treatment centers with that creepy sad violin music incredibly high-profit margins bald patients and serious-looking actors in white lab coats.  Gorsuch looks like one of those doctors.  He looks kind and trustworthy to me.  You know. For a man.

I bet he's really gentle with suppositories.

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