Wednesday, March 29, 2017

March 29, 2017

Dear Diary,

I think I need a new bed.  I've had this one for so long that there's a crater in the middle, which makes it really hard to find those renegade bits of Cap'n Crunch when they fall off my spoon.  I have no idea where those suckers go, but once they're gone, the only way to find them is for Bessie to roll me to one side and feel around at the bottom of the mattress pit.  She never finds them, but somehow they end up stabbing my butt at two in the morning and then I can't get back to sleep.

Dr. Morell says that all this inactivity is probably contributing to my weight gain, which has been considerable since the you-know-what.  I hear that many shut-ins people suffering from sociopathic breakdowns mild depression can experience weight gain, especially as a side effect of all those meds.  I should know.  I pop them like candy.  But Dr. Morell says that if I ever regain some sense of sanity as soon as I'm up and around, the first fifty pounds will just melt off.

It's not easy for fat thin-challenged people.  Many can be very successful regardless of their comportment.  For example, Chris Christie. I'm certainly not a fan, but he's done very well for himself despite his tonnage.  He prosecuted terrorists as the Attorney General for New Jersey.  Then he became its governor.  He took a shot at being emperor too, but then the lap-band thing failed and in the end he pretty much settled for being Carrot Head's dog catcher.  I heard they recently made him King of the Opioids or something.  What a disappointment.  You don't even get a free car with that.

I'll bet it's because he's fat weight-challenged. Let's face it, you can't be king President of the United States and have the Secret Service give you a code name like "Tubby."  It would be in such bad taste.

Bill and I still have Secret Service goons agents bothering snooping on us selling stories to the Enquirer protecting us around the clock here.  I even have my own code name!  It's top secret, so I can't reveal it even to you, diary, but it rhymes with "sucking rich."  Tee hee.  I only know that because I heard Mario, my Thursday man, say it into his little radio thing one time when I was projectile vomiting.

I'll bet you didn't know that the fattest heaviest largest king emperor president was William Howard Taft, who was also a Supreme Court Justice.  It's true.  I looked it up.  Taft was smart.  When you're a Supreme Court Justice, that black robe hides everything.

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