Now that I think about it, it's really a shame that I'm not
I know. I've been to the most troubled countries suffering from conflict. Like when I was under fire getting off the plane in Serbia. That was a close call! We had just polished off the last bottle of Cristal while the plane taxied to the gate. To be honest, I was three sheets to the wind and wasn't feeling too much pain, but all of a sudden I heard a succession of loud, rapid fire explosions. It was like, pop, pop, pop! I didn't actually see anyone shooting at us. All I heard was someone yelling, "Gunfire!" I guess he didn't notice that I was actually farting from the brussel sprout soufflé they'd served inflight, but I figured if they thought it was gunfire, it was a perfect cover and I'd be spared all the "first one who smelled it, dealt it" jokes.
We had it pretty rough back then. This was before everyone was accusing everyone else of using poison gas on civilians. In those days, deranged dictators used to just mow civilians down with good old fashioned AK-47s, or if we got to them first, M-16s. It made me feel proud to know that I was helping to sell American goods into foreign markets. I doubt Carrot Head has that on his resumé!
I know a lot of people think I don't have the blood and guts it takes to handle countries like Syria, but I really do. While Carrot Head spent his time in some New York high-rise condominium, I was on the road, visiting places that had no running water or everyday necessities. It was terrible for those people. I used to watch them from my window at the Hilton. Those poor folks in war torn countries had no homes or bathrooms. They'd just poop right in the street with no toilet paper. Can you imagine? They had to use their hands. Everyone was scattering all over the block like kids playing tag, looking for places to scrape their hands. Believe me, no matter how much of a goodwill ambassador you are, you don't want to be shaking hands in those reception lines!
Yet here I sit, alone in the darkness of my room, awaiting to answer the call of destiny, so that I may once again take up the mantle and lead this country as the role model for the free world.
I should buy a gun.