Saturday, April 8, 2017

April 8, 2017

Dear Diary,

Overall, this was a very depressing week for me.  Carrot Head got his way giving that fat dead guy's Scalia's chair to that Neil Gorsuch character, and then scored another win by flattening some airstrip somewhere in camel land Syria, I guess. That man will do anything for a photo op.  It's hard to tell what really happened over there, with so many different people reporting so many versions of the same story.  On FOX, the attack was described as "Tomahawk missiles destroying Assad's chemical weapons." On MSNBC, it was described as "Steve Bannon raping ten underage girl scouts."  It can get so confusing to tell which end is up.

I still don't understand how Carrot Head gets away with all this. It's probably because he's a man.  The media is so misogynistic. If I'd launched long, cylindrical projectiles they'd probably say I was on my period or had a bad case of penis envy.  But Carrot Head gets a free pass.  Here's a guy with no government experience, hiring people with no government experience.  He even hires his kids, none of whom have government experience!  It's so unfair.  Chelsea has more experience than those kids and all she gets is hate mail.  When I was in office, we let her sharpen as many pencils as we had, and eventually, she got the hang of it.

I think the biggest disgrace to the palace White House is that Steve Bannon character.  That man has absolutely no idea how to dress, but then most of the Irish don't.  They're too busy draining ales at the pub to notice their shirts aren't tucked in or that they haven't shaved in days.  Carrot Head has money -- can't he afford to buy that bum a comb? It's so distasteful.  No wonder that little Kushner shit was a loggerheads with him.

Diary, I have my own theory of what happened to Bannon when he was removed from the NSC, but nobody will believe me.  I think Kushner wanted him to use hair mousse and tuck in his shirt, but Bannon absolutely refused, telling him that the "disheveled, alcoholic look" was a bigger hit with young women in hipster bars, where it fit in perfectly with that whole "tweed jacket with elbow patches" look that makes "firmer twenty-somethings with Daddy issues" hot for older men who aren't particularly good-looking.

Of course, I'm just guessing about all that.  It could be something totally different, like Bannon refusing to stop stinking up the room with his Old Spice.  Smells like an old man.  Yuck.

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