Monday, April 10, 2017

April 10, 2017

Dear Diary,

I believe today is the first day of what those Christ killers the Jewish people call "Passover," which has something to do with their traveling through the Sinai desert to the city of Jerusalem to watch Jesus being crucified.  If I recall correctly, it took the Jews 40 years to get from Egypt to what is now Israel, which is ridiculous because it's not a very long trip, but I can tell you from personal experience, traveling with Jews is absolutely impossible.  They always want to shop for the best rate or tour package, which can take forever.  When Sidney Blumenthal traveled with us, we always had to wait for him to check Travelocity.  It was so annoying.

Another reason why I'm sure it took the Jews 40 years to cross one little wasteland that wonderful part of Egypt is because those people simply cannot be on time for anything.  When I was Secretary of State, Blumenthal would show up at the airport a half hour later than everyone else, with some lame excuse about "putting finishing touches on my latest anti-semitic policy statement," and then make some joke about "Jewish standard time."  Pathetic little shit.

I've always been interested in other heathens' races' people's cultures. I once attended a Passover dinner at the home of a really rich Jewish donor a friend of Bill's, where I learned a lot about the suffering of non-white people.  I remember it because all the food was brown, except for a sprig of parsley that they dipped in salt water.  Someone told me it represented the Jewish people's tears.  Wah, wah, wah.  Those people get billions of foreign aid and still complain!

The Passover story is actually pretty interesting, because it involves Egyptians enslaving Jews and making them build the pyramids.  That had to be pretty rough, since most Jews are lawyers, doctors and accountants, and I'm sure none of them knew the first thing about building pyramids.  Also, working with stone must have been very rough on their hands, making it difficult for them to hold pencils when they did all those Egyptians' tax returns.

I've forgotten a lot of the details, but I think Moses finally makes a deal where if God will rain down all kinds of disease and death on the Egyptians and return the Jews to Canaan, he'd be willing to grant him options on Mediterranean beach front property at very reasonable terms.  Then the Jews return to their homeland, where for the next few thousand years, it becomes the one reliable place where everyone knows they can drop by to beat the crap out of them, at least until Israel got the bomb and then all bets were off.

Bill had a great time because he left with a fat check he appreciates the bank accounts diversity of all kinds of Americans, just as I do.  It's a very lovely story, but the it took forever to tell and the Passover meal took hours to serve.  I had to get up twice to change my Depends and they still hadn't gotten to the part where Jesus kills the golden calf.

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