Tuesday, April 18, 2017

April 18, 2017

Dear Diary,

Didn't get much sleep last night, probably because I was so concerned about this whole situation with North Korea.  Unlike most peasants Americans, I have a lot of experience with those zipperheads Korean types and I know how dangerous they can be.  Back when Bill was on the throne in the palace White House, he thought he'd made a great deal with that fat kid's father, but like everything else Bill touches -- including his interns -- that all went south in a hurry.

I don't think Carrot Head has a clue as to how dangerous North Korea can be.  If you make the slightest mistake, they can retaliate by turning to their ally, China.  And once they do that, there's no telling how expensive it's going to be to buy designer shoes and dresses.  I already have a difficult time getting clothes to fit, and after menopause, well, you can just forget about it.  I've been carrying an extra twenty pounds around my hips and tummy, which means even the outfits I buy at T.J. Maxx have to be taken in here or let out there.  The only tailors around here are still the old Jewish ones, so you can imagine how it can get very costly.

I know for a fact that when I was Secretary of State, all the Korean people wanted to touch my hair because they'd never seen a white person close up.  That must have been freaky enough for them, but who knows what they're thinking with Pence trotting around over there.  They must think he's an albino or something.  And those people are really superstitious.  One look at his shock white hair and they're bound to drop to their knees and start worshipping him like some kind of god.  That actually happened during the Second World War, when a whole island thought that our army dropped from the sky to save them.  Everyone ran up to the cargo plane as if it were a big bird giving birth to Coca-Cola and candy bars.

I'm telling you, those people will buy anything if you know how to play them their culture and traditions, so I can't understand why everyone is having such a difficult time with the fat North Korean kid.

Of course, nobody asks me, but if they did, I'd straighten him out in no time.  All the men think it's about looking tougher and stronger.  But women know that it takes a village, and when someone isn't comfortable with how he looks, nothing works better than a makeover!  A little touch-up here and maybe a spa day there to get her on the right track.  First thing I'd do is buy the kid a lifetime pass to Supercuts to lose that "institutionalized retard" haircut.  Next, I'd recommend doing the lap band procedure, because nothing restores your figure better than a smart little waistline.  Finally, I'd bring in one of my homo friends to rebuild his wardrobe.  More V-necks to accent the shoulders and neckline.

Also, someone has to tell him he's a summer, not a winter.  All that gray and black has to go.  Maybe some floral prints to offset his eyes...if you can find them.

This stuff is all so easy, but nobody listens.  It's like Huma used to tell me, "It doesn't really matter. A woman is still a woman, no matter what kind of strap-on she wears."  She was so wise.

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