Wednesday, April 19, 2017

April 19, 2017

Dear Diary,

It's been a pretty bad year for me, but I was heartened when the mail arrived today.  Along with the usual Costco and Target coupons, I always look forward to the invitations I get to speak at college graduations.  Every year, I have the opportunity to influence the minds of young men and women who might slip me their phone numbers about to embark on their journeys through life.  I get so many offers! It's difficult to make the choice, seeing as how so many of these young women are so cute and sexy  deserving.

In the past, I've spoken to fresh meat young white women mostly on the east coast, where they come from rich families many are set to become campaign donors lawyers and professionals.  I simply adore the ivy league schools, because like me, they're filled with empty-headed white people whose feet don't touch the ground optimism for the empire our country.

Since the you-know-what, however, there haven't been as many invitations, which makes my job a lot easier.  For example, there's one from a "McDonald's University," asking me to expound on the virtues of the minimum wage.  This is a terribly important issue that will never affect my family means so much to the peasants working people of America.  I feel that someone of my royal blood public standing should address this topic, so they're a contender.

I'm also considering an offer from something called "Ringling Brothers College," which would be a departure from my usual line of bullshit course. Apparently, Ringling is a very exclusive institution; the only one of its kind in the country, specializing in only one area of expertise. Frankly, I'd never heard of it before, but they seem to do good work and their placement rate is high, so it could be perfect fit for me.

After reviewing them, I think my favorite is ITT Tech, because they're the ones who really know who to fleece students best the largest and most far-reaching of them all.  When I was a Senator, I used to watch their TV commercials every day, right after "The People's Court."  I didn't know this, but apparently they've been involved with the Federal government and now they're among the only institutions where students can get most of their student loans forgiven, which I think is awfully sweet.  This would be a great occasion for the school, as well, as I believe this is the year their CEO gets out of prison returns to the fold!

It's still a bit early, but that gives me a lot to think about.  I've had Bessie talk to the mailman, because I know haven't been getting all my mail.  The invitations from Harvard and Yale still haven't shown up and I hear Vassar has a bumper crop of shapely brunettes an exceptional class of undergraduate seniors this year.

Oh look! We have turkey salad for lunch!

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