Monday, April 24, 2017

April 24, 2017

Dear Diary,

It's been over a week since my bed sheets were changed, which is causing me great concern, as well as a few minor bed sores.  The bleeding ones aren't bad, but the infected ones are somewhat disgusting, because they glue the sheets to my skin during the night and then dry into a crusty sort of paste.  The smell is also not pleasant, but I suppose all I can do now is wait for Bessie to roll me over sometime after my bath later today and wait for things to dry out a bit.

I look around my room and in my darkest hours ask myself, "Is this what my first hundred days was really supposed to be?"  Carrot Head is out there, getting all the attention battling to undo the work I would have done if I had won the you-know-what.  In his first hundred days, he managed to issue all kinds of executive orders and even stack the Supreme Court get that Gorsuch fellow hired to fetch Ginsburg's coffee as an associate justice.

But I've accomplished a lot in my first hundred days, too.  Even Dr. Morell says I'm doing way better than expected.  For example, right after the you-know-what, I was on Xanax and Propofol.  Today, I can report that not only is my usage of both way up, but he's upped my regimen to include Mirtazapine, Lorazepam, Lithium and even some Thorazine he'd stashed from the sixties. My sense of balance is still off, but he says that will return, as will my bowel control.

I'd call that progress!

Had I won the you-know-what, you can bet that my first hundred days would have looked a lot different than Carrot Head's.  For one thing, I would have installed an office for Huma right next door to the Oval Office so that we could make out conference on policy more often.  There's a little space between the two offices with doors that lock from the inside! Yum!

As far as policy goes, I would have quickly dispelled any notion of our building a wall between us and Mexico. The whole idea is too costly and environmentally unsound.  Instead, I would plant gardenias and maybe impatiens along the border.  Everyone knows that Mexicans make the best gardeners and I believe they'd respect our azaleas before stomping all over them, unless they're the "mow, blow and go" guys with those jet packs on their backs.  They are so annoying. I have to double up the Valium on Mondays because they interrupt my nap.

The good news is that Dr. Morell says I don't have to wear those stupid black framed glasses anymore. Now I just wear a helmet when I walk around the house in my robe and slippers.  But you want to know a secret diary?

Sometimes, I don't use the chin strap.

I'm such an outlaw!

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