Thursday, April 27, 2017

April 27, 2017

Dear Diary,

The day didn't go too well, starting with Bill's being in a very bad mood.  Every morning, he usually pops his head into my bedroom to say hello and then throw an orange at my head.  He says he does it to increase my reflexes, but dodging a Florida navel whistling like a fastball isn't as easy as you'd think, especially with the wind-ups he takes. My headboard is splattered with sticky pulp, but at least last week's bruise on my cheek is just about healed.

I'm fairly sure Bill is upset because Carrot Head is planning to dismantle NAFTA, which was a signature piece of his administration the nineties. It happened after I introduced my national health care plan when I was First Lady, which didn't go so well. In those days, I didn't know what "DOA" meant.  I thought it was, you know, a gangsta thing.  Like I was a "doer," only with more of that black ghetto spin. Doo-ah! Well, one week and several million taxpayers' dollars later, my program was deader than a door nail and Bill was one pissed off President.

Damn misogynists.

That's when he got the big idea for NAFTA. His thinking was that if we removed a bunch of tariffs and barriers from our trade with Canada and Mexico, Americans would lose a ton of jobs enjoy lower prices on white slaves, marijuana and cocaine landscaping maintenance and bus boys.  Bill was very careful not to put the squeeze too hard on Canada, because he's always had a soft spot in his heart for Montreal.  He says the best porn videos are imported from there.


In the meantime, if Carrot Head really does renegotiate the NAFTA deal, our investment portfolio this country is going to be in real trouble. It's very complicated, but the bottom line is that without Mexicans and Canadians to pick our grapes and clean our houses, more white people Americans will have to pick up the slack and I don't see that happening any time too soon.  On the other hand, it probably means that colleges will drop their French and Spanish requirements, which is a good thing. Before we spent a fortune on tutors for Chelsea, the only Spanish she knew was, "Does the Burrito Supreme come with cheese?"

I sure hope Carrot Head knows what he's doing.  This country was built on immigration and bribes for H-i visas trade. We simply can't afford to lose more 7-Elevens jobs.

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