Friday, May 5, 2017

May 5, 2017

Dear Diary,

Even though it stays dark in my bedroom most of the time, I was able to tell that today was the fifth of May, which is a very important holiday for non-white Americans of Mexican ancestry.  Most white people don't truly appreciate the holiday, but I am very sensitive and have always been supportive of illegal immigration a friend to the Mexican people and continue to frantically shore up all the support I've lost help educate others about it.

The holiday is actually called "Cinco de Mayo", and even though I don't speak Mexican myself, I believe it translates roughly into "the grass won't grow if you let your dogs play on it," which is typical of these dark-skinned Latinos' flowery phrasing.  See what I did there?  "Flowery phrasing?" It's always amazed me how an entire culture could be so gifted at clearing restaurant tables, garden maintenance and folding towels.  These are illiterate very simple people whom we should respect for the artful way they use their hands to dig drug tunnels under international borders make our world more beautiful.

As I understand it, Cinco de Mayo is not an official American holiday. In the United States, white people we show our respect for our neighbor to the south by leaving work early, downing as much tequila as we can and then vomiting up the free happy hour taquitos in the rest rooms of local bars. The conviviality of the occasion, mixed with the scent of semi-digested appetizers and Pine Sol lets everyone in their stalls know they're hanging their heads over the toilet bowl for better international relations.

For the record, everyone should know that Cinco de Mayo is not at all like Martin Luther King day, which is another bone we throw to minorities example of the American melting pot. The King thing is a Federal holiday, passed to keep the black people from rioting and destroying valuable real estate owned by Korean immigrants honor one of the great American peacemakers of the twentieth century.  The big difference between Cinco de Mayo and Martin Luther King day is that there's no special happy hour for Martin Luther King day, which is a shame because the malt liquor industry doesn't benefit at all the way the tequila people do.  I think that's racist, and it must be stopped.

Dr. Morell says that I have to rest after my stressful week, even though for the life of me I can't remember doing that interview on CNN.  So I can't celebrate Cinco de Mayo this year the way I normally do.  I usually try to meet Donna Brasile for these kinds of occasions because she's black and I think she might be Mexican, which should cover all the bases.  I mean, her name is Brasile and Brazil isn't that far from Mexico, so it's a safe bet.

Lately my pajamas smell like sour cheese.  Is Bessie using a new laundry detergent or do I just need to blow my nose?

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