Friday, May 19, 2017

May 19, 2017

Dear Diary,

I'm not sure if it's the Aricept or that I'm really having déja vu, because I have this feeling that I've seen everything before. I've always known that I was special in that way.  Even as a young girl, I had a sense of what was going to happen before it actually did. Like one time, when I was eight, I had a premonition that my brothers Rod and Hugh would ask me to pull my dress up.  Sure enough, later that night, there I was with my skirt draped over my heard.  Funny how that stuff works.

Sometime after that, but before they let me walk around without my helmet, I just knew that a police detective would be visiting us.  Just like before, it was only a short time until a police detective actually did arrive, asking all kinds of questions about a sudden increase in mutilated kitten corpses people were finding in the neighborhood.  I remember him looking at me but I took the fifth never came close to getting caught was accused and my father paid him off the whole matter just went away.

In fact, the only time my "special sense" failed me was during the you-know-what.  I was sure we were going to win that one, especially because we paid off all the pollsters had such a large lead in the New York Times.  I remember that weasel Podesta blaming the whole you-know-what on those Benghazi hearings, but the only thing that non-woman excels at is incompetence.  I guess that's one more thing I didn't see coming.

Now it looks like Carrot Head is going to get a taste of his own Ipecac, and if he's smart, he'll learn from my experience.  Once there's a Special Counsel on your trail, you have to spring into action fast.

The first thing everyone does -- and it's a good one -- is to start the media talking about your health.  Everyone does it.  Mob bosses, foreign dictators, everyone. You name it, they suffer from it because a good medical condition can delay the proceedings for month, and if they're convincing, maybe years.

Second thing you need is a really good physical prop that reminds everyone on the committee about your health issues.  I used a pair of thick, black-rimmed eyeglasses because I'm a very visual person, but use your imagination.  The guy who really knew what he was doing was Hosni Mubarak. After years of cracking heads in Egypt, he finally got lynched showed up in court on a stretcher.  A stretcher!!!!  Now that's class.  When those four guards carried him into the courthouse, it looked like Yul Brynner being carried around in a sedan like in those old Hollywood bible movies.

Finally, any good PR person will tell you that a short, memorable soundbyte is critical.  Nixon had "I am not a crook."  Robert Kennedy had "Thanks and now it's on to Chicago."  After giving it a lot of consideration, I came up with "What does it matter?" which I thought covered all the bases.  You can use a line like that for just about anything:  Why dinner isn't ready. Why you bought generic toilet paper instead of Charmin. Or why four Americans were ground into chopped liver in a foreign embassy.

Stuff like that works like a charm, as long as you don't name names. Like say, Seth Rich.  That just makes things difficult.

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