Saturday, May 20, 2017

May 20, 2017

Dear Diary,

Try as I might, and no matter how much Dr. Morell ups the Xanax, I am still having a difficult time dealing with the unfairness of life. Everyone else seems to be having all the fun, and here I am, sitting in bed with the shades drawn and the windows nailed shut.

I shouldn't be here.  I should be in Saudi Arabia, collecting bribes dealing with the ragheads that stabbed me in the back arabs most likely to play a key role in any money-laundering Middle East peace plan.  What I would give to look those camel jockeys sheiks in the eye and let them know who the Woman in Charge really was.  But no. Thanks to Pennsylvania, Wisconsin and all those arabs in Michigan, it's not to be.

The only American woman those sand pounders Saudi ministers are going to meet now is Botox Betty, all primped and sleek in her clingy size 6 jumpsuit as she slithers down the Grand Palace hall alongside Carrot Head.  I know those arab men.  They're all holy and religious on the outside, but inside their tents, they all have broadband internet and have PornHub bookmarked.  I'm so sure they've seen the more revealing shots of Botox Betty.  I know I have.  A few times.  For a few hours each time....

The arabs didn't make her wear a head covering, but when I was there as Secretary of State, they insisted on it.  In fact, if I recall correctly, they dropped a feed bag over my head the minute I anded so that I wouldn't frighten any little children.  I went along with it because they were piping millions into the Clinton Foundation I've always believed in respecting the culture of the host country.  After that, they tried to convince me that sucking the private parts of a male camel was also one of their customs, but I was smarter than that.  I just sort of licked it and kissed it a few times.  I think they were fine with that, because they were all laughing really hard.

None of them would come within six feet of me after that.

I can't help it, diary.  I could have made so much money done so much good for the world if the you-know-what had gone the other way.  I would have fought for women's rights.  And children's rights.  I still think a woman has a better chance of making peace in the Middle East, and I would have gone there, too.

Maybe someone would have been able to tell me how to get that camel taste out of my mouth.

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