Sunday, May 21, 2017

May 21, 2017

Dear Diary,

As you can imagine, it's been very stressful for me to watch Carrot Head prancing around the Middle East with his botox-battered Russkie tagging along. While I'm getting my Depends changed, he's over in Riyadh giving speeches to my former arab donors the Saudis and screwing everything up.  Dr. Morell was kind enough to let me watch the speech, as long as it didn't upset me too much.  So he stuffed a fistful of Zoloft into my mouth and we watched the speech together.

I knew in a heartbeat that Carrot Head was out of his league the minute he started talking.  Anyone with any experience knows you always start with a joke, just to warm things up.  You just can't expect tent-dwellers to accept a reset button like that.  You have to work the room.  Warmed them up.

He should have opened with something like, "Why do Jews go to football games? Because they want to get the quarterback!" You know, establish some sort of common ground.  You can't tell the one about Jewish noses being big "because air is free," though, since a lot of those ragheads semitic types have pretty large honkers of their own.  See, that's what I mean. You really have to know who your audience is.

That's where someone with a criminal track record really makes a difference.

I'm fairly sure that the arabs were really hoping to see me up there instead of Carrot Head. At least I had the respect for their noble traditions and customs, like heaping gifts on their visiting guests.  When I was Secretary of State, I made it a point to accept lots of cash listen to them. As a result, the Clinton Foundation was we were able to help the Saudis modernize their customs, including accepting VISA, Mastercard and American Express instead of suitcases of cash. Eventually, through dialogue and arm-twisting mutual accord, we expanded to PayPal and Discover.

That's how you do diplomacy!

About halfway through the speech, Dr. Morell had to turn off the television because he noticed I was drooling more than usual, probably a result of the Thorazine interacting with the Zoloft.  That was fine with me. It was almost nap time, anyway, and I can always watch the replay later, just to see if he mentions me at all.

He didn't even call me before he left, by the way, which is too bad for him.  I'm the senior statesperson with the experience. I could have given him some phone numbers that would have come in handy.  Nothing like a little road nookie to take the edge off.

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