Monday, May 22, 2017

May 22, 2017

Dear Diary,

I couldn't sleep all night knowing that Carrot Head and Botox Betty were over in the Middle East charming those rotten arab turncoats the Saudis and probably eating for free. One of the best parts about representing a nation of peasants like the United States is staying at five star hotels and ordering room service, especially in those arab garbage dumps countries. Most of them have really nice hotels just out of sight from their slum neighborhoods where you can order anything you want, including a few quarts of Jack Daniels, just for promising to sell them a couple of F-15s.

Saudi Arabia is okay and Dubai is pretty slick, too.  The one you want to avoid at all costs is Yemen, where none of those heathens has even seen a washcloth in years we don't really have any national interests. Yuck.  Seriously, if our oil companies hadn't drilled there, the only thing those towel heads our Middle Eastern allies would be exporting would be sand for those paperweights they sell in the lobby of the Empire State Building.

A lot of people don't know you can't go from Israel to Saudi Arabia. You always have to go from Saudi Arabia to Israel, because even though the Israelis have kicked the shit out the arabs in every single war, those camel jockeys arab states have started, most of the arabs still don't officially acknowledge that Israel actually exists. I always thought that was kind of weird: Who did they think was blowing up their runways and destroying their air forces, Casper the Friendly Ghost?  I guess that's where the old phrase, "Denial ain't a river in Egypt" must have come from.

In any case, going from Riyadh to Tel Aviv is a big step down. When I was there on my free vacation at taxpayers' expense fact-finding mission, I was shocked by the difference in arab and Israeli hospitality.  The arabs make sure you stay in total luxury and lavishness. You can order what you want and when you leave for another country, they give you envelopes stuffed with cash lovely gifts. In Israel, the food is good, but every dinner is always ordered with separate checks, and when you leave, they inspect your luggage to see if you've stolen any towels or unopened bars of soap.  It can get a little stressful, which is why I always had the secret service detail steal the soap.

I guess with the time difference, Carrot Head will give some sort of speech after my bedtime. That's okay.  Today, Bessie and I were planning on wheeling over to Golden Corral for an early dinner.  I have a coupon and if we get there before 3:30, it's two for one and the dessert bar is all you can eat!

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