Saturday, May 27, 2017

May 26, 2017

Dear Diary,

Woke up today to hear that this rain might finally end, which is good news for most people. It doesn't really affect me that much, since Dr. Morell doesn't let me out of my room very often.  I use to get out more before he installed the deadbolts.  He did that for my own good, however, as one too many times I woke up in the middle of the night on the park bench across the street wearing nothing but a pair of panties and my Def Leppard t-shirt. Apparently, my screaming "Let's party!" scared off the other bums unfortunate little people who make the park their home.

Weather is a big deal to most people, I guess, which is why the Paris Climate Accord is so important. I'm still not sure how that Paris deal affects farmers and other people, because quite honestly, I never so much as cracked open the cover to read it. I was going to, but from what I was told, it's very long and very boring with absolutely no plot or character development.  I thought I'd just wait for the movie to come out on HBO.

Debbie Wasserman-Schultz was supposed to buy me the Spark notes, but she was always too busy with something or other.  I remember seeing her in the women's room during the you-know-what, and asking her about when I could expect her summary. She got very snippy with me because she was really close up to the mirror squeezing out the blackheads on her forehead.  It was really disgusting. That's why she keeps her nails short.  She's so gross. No matter how many times we told her, she always left blackhead noodles on the mirror.  Never wiped them off. Not once.

Personally, I have my doubts about the whole climate thing.  Al Gore makes a fortune big deal talking about it, but everyone knows you can't believe a word he says. First of all, he thought he was going to be emperor president, and that didn't happen. Then he made a whole movie about the north pole melting in a few weeks, and that didn't happen.  Let's face it, who's going to take him seriously now? Especially when he's as big as a house.  If climate change is affecting the world's food supply, you sure wouldn't know it by looking at him.  Doesn't look like he's skipped too many meals to me. In fact, whenever there was a photo opp at the Senate, everyone always wanted to pose next to Al, because you could tip the scales at 220 and still look comparatively thin.

Which reminds me: Good news! Bessie bought the low calorie Ensure at Costco, so now the pounds should start melting off. And if you mix it with just a splash of rubbing alcohol, it kind of tastes like a White Russian.

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