Thursday, June 1, 2017

June 1, 2017

Dear Diary,

It's been quite a while now since the you-know-what, and with the help of Dr. Morell, my family and a steamer trunk brimming with psychotropic drugs, I believe I've become wiser and better for my history of failures what happened and how I can deny any culpability it happened. Since I am the rightful heiress to the throne not holding public office, I have more time to reflect on how everyone else betrayed me I could have done things better.

For one thing, I see now that this whole "losing 30,000 e-mails" thing was really a big nothing burger. Isn't that funny?  A nothing burger?  I made that up.  Well, I didn't actually make it up myself.  I hired a couple of comedy writers on to write it for me, but the contract says that when I pay the five dollars, the content becomes mine so it's practically the same thing.

For my money, "nothing burger" could be the best return on investment since we were granted tax-free charity status for the Clinton Foundation. Replacing tens of millions in arab payola charitable donations isn't as easy as it sounds. Believe me, hit men and assassins staff and overhead cost way more than they used to, but I'm think we're talking national franchise here.  Not just key chains and hats on EBay, but freestanding locations across the country selling -- wait for it -- NothingBurgers!

This would be what Podesta used to call a "retail concept," where people would walk into a store, pay money and get nothing! Just like a Seinfeld show. See?  That's the whole joke, only this would be a store about nothing.  The more I thought about it, the more sense it made:  People would pay money, get nothing, and come back the next week to pay more money.  And if anyone gets smart, we just tell them it's like paying taxes, only at NothingBurger, at least you walk out with a baseball cap or a T-shirt, which is really just more free advertising for us!

See? I can be creative. I just can't get elected wait to get started.

This kind of out-of-the-box thinking is why I should have been crowned queen Commander in Chief.  Nobody else comes up with these types of ideas. Like the time the embassy in Benghazi was sacked? Everyone else wanted to go with the obvious: "It's a terrorist attack because it happened on 9/11." BORING.  Remember that whole "it was a culturally offensive reaction to a video" idea?  That was all me. I made that up all by myself.

I put a call in to get the domain name, but the dot com one was taken, so it will probably have to be the hyphenated version, which sucks but is better than nothing. Now all I have to do is get Chinese suppliers to submit bids.  The t-shirts have to be a poly-cotton blend.  Pure cotton is way too expensive.

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