Saturday, June 3, 2017

June 3, 2017

Dear Diary,

There are some decades years weeks days I just can't catch a break. Nothing seems to go right for me. Here I am, suffering like Christ on hockey sticks, bleeding for ungrateful peasants my constituents who seem to enjoy joking about my pain and altruism instead of rushing to my defense. I spend a lot of my money time paying ghostwriters to write books about who and what to blame for stuff our country's future and what do I get?  More jokes on that horrible Tweeter thing.

If that isn't bad enough, the timing is working against me, too. I can give a thousand commencement addresses or CNN interviews, but the minute some D list celebrity posts one photo of her holding up a severed head, my story gets bumped to the back pages, squeezed somewhere in between today's astrology predictions and Dear Abby.

At first, I thought it was switching from Zoloft to Celexa that changed my perception. But now I'm not so sure. Maybe public relations really has changed. In the old days, if you had a book to peddle promote, it was as easy as sending bribes talking to critics to puff up write reviews in the New York Times.  A few lies interviews on "Meet The Press" was enough to prime the sales pump, too.

That stuff doesn't seem to work anymore.  I think from here on out, I'm going to have to be really outrageous.  You know, step outside my comfort zone. So here are some ideas I've come up with to promote my next book:

1.  Hold up the severed bloody head of John Podesta.
2.  Hold up the severed bloody head of Anthony Wiener.
3.  Hold up the severed bloody head of Chel's kids' puppy (must check with PETA on this).
4.  Hold up the severed bloody head of Jeb Bush.
5.  Hold up the severed bloody head of Vladimir Putin.
6.  Hold up the severed bloody heads of that Macedonian content farm.
7.  Hold up the severed bloody head of the DNC.

I'm still working on it, but I think I'm on to something here.  Needs more work, but it will have to wait for now.  I'm having another MRI this afternoon to see if my brain lesions have shrunk.


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