Monday, June 12, 2017

June 12, 2017

Dear Diary,

Sometimes, when I have a moment between seizures, I find a clear space in the fog regarding certain important issues. As I get older, I'm more inclined to re-evaluate my positions on various stances I've taken over the course of my lifetime.

Of course, there are still some topics that are non-starters.  Abortion, for example. I've always maintained a strong, pro-choice position on a woman's right to choose whether or not to murder her unborn child terminate and unwanted pregnancy. In fact, when I was in the Senate, I tried to advance legislation that extended that right up the 70th year of life. After all, if a woman realizes she's made a wrong decision like trusting Seth Rich, she shouldn't have to endure a lifetime of criminal prosecution and prison hardship, like passing up sales on Blahink Manolos.  I pushed really hard for that legislation, but couldn't get it out of committee.

That's why I can't work with non-women. Ugh.

Another serious issue I've been wrestling with has to do with the change in traditional American morality. Bill wasn't too good on LGBT issues, which was very disappointing to me personally. Today, however, I'm seriously reconsidering my positions that strike at the very heart of our national culture.

For example, where I once had very strong feelings one way, now I'm wondering whether it would be all that terrible if Greg Brady got involved with Marcia. As many academicians have noted over the years, it's not like they are blood relations and the fact is that Marcia was always a dirty little girl flirting with anyone who paid her any attention at all. Such a whore. Such a delicious little whore.

You know who really was asking for it? Jan Brady.  It's always the quiet, middle one that's a tiger in the bedroom. Even when Marcia switched her hair and started parting it down the middle, Jan kept everything rolled up and very tightly wound.  There's a reason for that: Alice. A lot of people don't know that whole "Sam the butcher" was just a beard, because in real life, Alice liked them young, blonde and tightly curled.  And you never heard Jan complaining about Alice. It was always "Marcia, Marcia, Marcia." Seriously, get a clue.

Same thing with Mike Brady. He was totally closeted until one day he showed up with a curly poodle haircut and a puffy flower-pattern shirt. Really? Who couldn't see that? I mean, nobody spends that much time "working late at the office." Get real. The only person who didn't seem to know what was going on was Carol, but from what I hear, she was too busy trying to get into Greg's pants to notice.

This country needs to get back to family values like that. What's happened to us? We've strayed so far. Now even I have Jewish grandchildren. More on this later. Bessie just brought in red jello.

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