Wednesday, June 14, 2017

June 14, 2017

Dear Diary,

I awoke today to hear that today was the fourteenth of June, which was always a special day for me, because it was Flag Day.  Back when I was a child, there were only 48 stars on the old Stars and Stripes, because neither Alaska nor Hawaii were states. They were just places where white people would go to see what non-white people looked like.

In school, we used to put on plays about Betsy Ross sewing the first American flag, because at the time, men who sewed flags earned 25% more than women who did the same work and the new republic had to watch its nickels and dimes. We don't do that anymore. We've come a long way since then. These days, women just find a Jewish lawyer to sue their employers for sexual discrimination and then retire with annuities to live in condos on Miami beach.

Sadly, nothing in America is like it was anymore. Even Flag Day got ruined, because it's also Carrot Head's birthday. So instead of singing patriotic songs like "Allah hu Akbar" "The Battle Hymn of the Republic," we're going to have to sit through chorus after chorus of "Happy Birthday."

Ugh. I hate that.

You know who had the best birthday parties? John Kennedy. A lot of people remember Marilyn Monroe singing "Happy Birthday" to him back in the sixties, when he was banging her. Who are we kidding? Jack Kennedy was banging everyone, with the possible exception of Jackie, but I can understand that because she was known to be something of a dead fish. Jack used to complain that she would just "lie there like a piece of lox" until he finished his act, so most of the time he'd stay up late until Marilyn got finished with Bobby and then she'd do a Walk of Shame to the White House for sloppy seconds.

The Kennedys really had it wired. Jack and Bobby plowed through tons of women, but Teddy could never keep up with the other two. He always got too personally involved, offering women rides home from parties and such.  That didn't go so well.

Now that I think about it, someone should have offered Seth Rich a ride home.  There would have been fewer questions.

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