Sunday, June 25, 2017

June 25, 2017

Dear Diary,

I really hate Sundays. It's bad enough that nothing ever happens during the rest of the week but there's nothing good on television since Dr. Morell child-proofed all the news shows with parental controls. He won't tell anyone the code, although a the few times I looked over his shoulder I saw him type in "T-R-*-*-*-2-*-1-6".  I've tried to fill the rest in, but I was never good at games and puzzles.  I can't understand those morons on the subway who do Sudoko.

Another reason I don't like Sundays is that everyone says they go to church, but I know for a fact that they don't. People are such liars. They say they're going to church, but when it's 90ยบ outside with 95% humidity, nobody wants to be bored to death, soaking their Sunday best while swimming in their own sweat. It's pretty disgusting, especially during the late services, when the working class congregants roll in after their morning softball games. They don't even shower first. There's nothing holy about the mixed stench of body odor and beer.

Perhaps I'm being harsh, but I just never bought into that "Today is the first day of the rest of your life" stuff. I've been around the block a few times and that forgiveness shit doesn't work at all.  You know what happens when you turn the other cheek? They sucker punch you in the other one. Oh sure, it's real easy for priests to forgive and forgive. The minute they're caught molesting children facing a crisis, they simply get the pope to transfer them to another parish. They don't have Alex Jones chasing them down like a junk yard dog sinking it fangs into the leg of some railroad bum.  With civilians, it's different. When we get in trouble, we have to find someone to blame fend for ourselves.

This is why I'm seriously thinking of starting my own church. I'm still playing around with names, but so far, I like "Saint Hillary's" and "Church of the Resurrected Holding Company," although my favorite is "Our Lady of Perpetual Delusion."  It speaks to me.

I think Bill still has the 503C papers from the Clinton Foundation, which means we could be back in the charitable donations business as soon as we do a name change and sign up with one of those rent-a-mailbox places.

On second thought, maybe today really is the first day of the rest of my life. I like this plan. I could start at the top as High Priestess or Holy Roman Empress or something like that which would bring in all the bull dykes, for sure attract more single women, too. Plus, long robes would hide my keister and the mitre would add at least eight inches to my height.

Yes.  This makes sense!

Subscribe for each day's entry by Email!