Thursday, June 29, 2017

June 29, 2017

Dear Diary,

Nobody is returning my calls. I can't imagine why, unless it's true that everyone I know hates me is taking more days for the long holiday weekend. These holidays are really getting out of hand. Here it is, still June, and every single e-mail on the secret personal bathroom server is bouncing back with "Out of Office" replies.  Don't people work anymore?

During the you-know-what, we had endless debates about how all the blue collar peasants so many Americans were out of work, but judging from these e-mails, I'm thinking they aren't out of work, they're just at Wal-Mart refilling their propane tanks for their extended Fourth of July camping trips. No wonder I can't get the dry cleaning delivered. Even that Chinese family on the corner won't be picking up the phone until the sixth -- and that's assuming some rifle-toting veteran doesn't take them out during a flashback at the campsite.

I don't mean to be a no-bird. I'm as patriotic as anyone. When it comes to selling uranium to Russians or taking bribes from arabs honoring our country, I'm right out there in front, doing what I think is best for the United States of America. I was raised to believe that national holidays were supposed to be celebrations of our national holidays, not an excuse to buy a new mattress on sale.

Boy, was I wrong!

Dr. Morell says that the secret to being happy is being able to adapt to life's new opportunities.  That, and making sure I stay on the Prozac, Librium and both diuretics. Nothing stays the same, so instead of planning a picnic and watching fireworks, this year we're going with the flow. For example, Bill is out buying Valvoline by the case on sale at AutoZone.  I won't go into those places because it's impossible to get the rubber tire smell out of your clothes for a week. Bill says he likes it. Go figure.

Sadly, the days are now getting shorter. Less daylight. More darkness. Nobody responds to my phone calls.  Now I know what those guys in Benghazi had to put up with.

I wonder if Huma is still sleeping with that creep.  I could have made her so happy.

Subscribe for each day's entry by Email!