Friday, June 30, 2017

June 30, 2017

Dear Diary,

I'm beginning to think that what this kingdom country needs is a break, so it's probably a good idea that everyone take a few days off to let things settle down. I happen to agree with Dr. Morell that "all work and no meds play" makes Hillary a real crabapple, and I can imagine that goes for the rest of the heathens citizens across America, too.

This is where I believe that we can all avoid take a lesson from Elizabeth Warren and Bernie Sanders. No matter how distasteful I find them I may disagree with them on which bribes to take some issues, when it comes to slacking off and avoiding real work realizing the value of vacation time, those two bums are hard to beat.

Years ago, before neither of them knew I was planning to run their political careers into a ditch for office, I had them both over to the palace house for a summer swim party.  At the time, the arab and Russian cash was flooding in Chel was expecting her first half-Jew child and we wanted to stay close to home. I stuck Bill on barbecue patrol, which kept him out of the way. Every summer, he likes to grill the hot dogs and then hand them out while making off-color jokes.  That year, I had Bessie turn the grill around so that the guests couldn't see he wasn't wearing any swimming trunks under his "Kiss Me, I'm the Chef" apron.

I swear, that man has booty on the brain. It's sick.

I'll spare you the details on what Bernie looks like in a swim suit, but the man has little chicken legs and a little pot belly and is white as a ghost, except for the redneck suntan from his elbows on down. He kept asking Bessie for more banana daiquiris until he was three sheets to the wind, bragging to anyone who'd listen that even though he was born Jewish, but can't pass up a bacon cheeseburger. His wife must get beaten at home pretty often, because she didn't say a word all day. She just sat behind him like a dummy on the chaise lounge, squeezing the pimples on his back.

The high point of the party was when Warren wanted everyone to watch her do a cannonball into the deep end of the pool.  I swear, that woman is such an attention whore. She doesn't look so hot in a one-piece either, let me tell you. Very bottom-heavy. It was kind of like watching a sack of potatoes being catapulted into the air, with bulges of cellulite all trying to seek their own orbit. Really gross.

Everyone had to stop what they were doing while she climbed on to the diving board and took a huge leap, but the joke was on her, because her wig flew off in mid-flight and landed at the other end of the pool. Of course, all the guests started making jokes about her being scalped, you know, with her "being Indian" and all. What a poser.

We're going to keep the party very small this year. That's assuming Dr. Morell lets me out of my room.

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