Sunday, July 2, 2017

July 2, 2017

Dear Diary,

Spending 23 hours a day locked in my room under medical supervision makes me feel sort of like I'm under house arrest, which Bill thinks is funny. He's always joking about buying me a pair of striped pajamas to make me "feel more at home," which I think is remarkably insensitive and very unrealistic. Even my Jew lawyers think that if Carrot Head really does prosecute me, the chances of my going to jail are very low. Then again, my luck with polls hasn't been so great lately.

I think what they really mean is that if the Feds ever caught up with me I wouldn't spend any time in places like Attica or Leavenworth, mainly because I'm very uncomfortable getting naked in the presence of men. Taking showers there would be next to impossible, and from what I hear, they don't have maid service.

All of my Yiddish team agree that at most, we'd plea some kind of mental mumbo-jumbo that would get me a few months in a looney bin with a longer term sentence vacation at a minimum security facility resort when I could take up tennis and gardening again. It would be close to home, so that Chel and the grandkids could visit and Dr. Morell could smuggle in drugs keep an eye on my progress.

I'm kidding, of course. I expect my Jew Crew to stall off the Feds for decades. I was joking about all that other stuff. People don't realize that I have a great sense of humor. They never know when I'm joking, but I'm actually a very funny person. I used to make Huma giggle all the time by treating her as my love slave. I'd pretend I wasn't going to pay her and she'd get all mad and then we'd fight and then we'd make up.

It was yummy.

I can make really funny faces, too.  Remember my reaction to that chai tea in the coffee shop? Or how about that retard impression I did at the convention when all the balloons dropped from the ceiling? I thought those were knee-slappers, but the only person who laughed was Dr. Morell while he was giving me another injection.

That's what I don't understand. Carrot Head can say or tweet anything he wants and people laugh. I do one or two riffs on the Special Olympics and the press crucifies me. I'm so misunderstood.

I'm sure it's because I'm a woman.

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