Wednesday, July 5, 2017

July 5, 2017

Dear Diary,

Thank goodness all that Fourth of July hoohah is over and done with. Ever since I was put down for my nap Bessie tucked me in for the night, I was constantly woken up by loud explosions and crackling sounds, which I'm sure were fireworks because it only takes two shots, not twenty, to silence a traitor it was Independence Day. I guess I can't blame poor people ordinary citizens for celebrating, but I think 5:30 PM is late enough to party. How else am I are people supposed to get their 18 hours in sleep?

As if that wasn't bad enough, I totally sneaked a hot dog by Dr. Morell, which as it turns out, was a huge mistake. I completely forget that Bill only buys those spicy Polish wieners with the peppers ground in, so despite draining two bottles of Nexium, I bloated up like a zeppelin and was blowing smoke from both ends all night.  You know how they say that "your own don't smell so bad?" Don't you believe it. I'm just lucky that none of those fireworks sparks found their way into my bedroom.

That would have been messy.

That Polish hot dog got me to thinking about Carrot Head going to Poland, probably to meet with Putin.  That's a big mistake in my book, because everyone knows what a misogynists the Russians are. Oh, they talk a good game. They go on and on about putting the first woman in space, but what they don't tell you is that they watched her sizzle like a Roman candle when her space capsule went sideways on re-entry. The Russians just sat there smoking cigarettes and drinking Turkish coffees and were all like, "Well, we knew it wasn't 100%. That's why we sent up a woman."

They're such pigs.

I'm sure that Ukraine, Crimea, Syria, ISIS, North Korea, Iraq, radical muslims and Iran are important to someone, somewhere, but the real issue that should be up front and center is the empowerment of women, which I'm afraid will fall by the wayside.  For example, why are buttons on women's clothing on a side different from the men's? This is a brutal, sexist tradition that simply must end. Also, there are millions of children around the world that truly believe having a penis makes them male, and nobody is doing anything about it. I can't believe this kind of thing continues in the twenty-first century.

I also can't believe we're out of chunky peanut butter again. I'd bet dollars to doughnuts Bessie is stealing from us, but I can't prove it.

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