Monday, July 10, 2017

July 10, 2017

Dear Diary,

Nothing is so bothersome as persistent political rumors that simply aren't true. Well, actually, I have more than a few nipple hairs that keep growing back, but they're nothing compared to the constant cropping up of stories I keep hearing about in the press. On the other hand, neither seem to be going away any time soon, so the best I can do is keep plucking away.

Lord knows I have no sympathy for Carrot Head or any members of his Mousse Brigade, but even if that family didn't make us Clintons look like a row of buck-toothed hillbillies, I'd have to say enough is enough. Apparently, there's some story going around about Carrot Head Junior having talks with more Russians during the early stages of the you-know-what.

To be completely fair, everyone talks with Russians about everything. How does anyone think Dr. Morell was recommended to me? Although I was pretty out to lunch at the time, I distinctly recall Vladimir Putin sending over a team of Russians to our house as a gesture of goodwill.  Nothing wrong with that at all. For example, we had Russian cable guys, Russian plumbers, Russian electricians and Russian cleaning crews fix up our house before we moved in.  They were terrific, although I still don't understand their custom of saying, "Testing, testing 1-2-3" just before they'd finish work for the day.

Dr. Morell says that it's a Russian custom for people to talk into flower vases or table lamps, too. It's something to do with their social culture. It's important to respect other people's cultures. Last week, while injecting me with sodium pentathol, he stressed how Russians use dialogue as a means to bring people together. It got hazy after that, but I do recall our talking at great lengths about yellow cake uranium, nuclear missile silos and the state of military-grade hacking software.

I love Dr. Morell. He's so sensitive. All the while we were talking, he insisted I lay my head on his chest and that I speak directly into his lapel pin.  At first I thought I had a little crush on him. Then I remembered he has a penis, so it would never work.

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