Thursday, July 13, 2017

July 13, 2017

Dear Diary,

With all the time I have on my hands, I decided to put some of it to better use. A girl can only spend so much time under sedation, you know. So I had Bessie bring me some foreign language tapes, just in case I am ever declared competent inclined to travel again. The way I see it, it's our duty as suckers Americans to completely abandon out heritage learn other people's customs so that one day I can become their queen capture more of the immigrant vote.

Every afternoon around 4:30 PM, just after supper and before the Valium kicks in, Bessie slips a little iPhone thingy under my pillow that plays a lesson over and over while I sleep.  The next morning, I've been programmed learned a series of conversational words and phrases. I've already learned some very handy phrases in both Russian and Arabic.

For example, I already know how to say, "Where is the ladies room?" and "Hey, this cash seems a little light," and "I want him/her dead by Sunday." The biggest problems I have are with subject verb agreement. I never know whether "e-mail" or "bullets" which words are the masculine or feminine gender, but then neither do half the kids in America, so I doubt anyone will really notice.

I think it's important for everyone to know a second language, especially if they are looking for domestic help want to accept bribes do business internationally.  Bill is really good at languages. You should have seen him in Thailand back in 1994. Two or three words on the phone to the hotel's main desk and three 12 year old girls were up in his room within minutes! I want three 12 year old girls in my room, too, to get as comfortable with foreign languages as he is.

I'm also practicing my Spanish, getting ready to bring in the wetback Latino vote in 2020. So far, I've learned "Dondé esta el bordello?", which means, "Where is the railroad station?"

This is fun!

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