Monday, July 17, 2017

July 17, 2017

Dear Diary,

I just heard about John McCain being in the hospital, which doesn't really come as a shock to me. The last time I saw John, he was rambling on incoherently while at the helm of some Senate investigation. Everyone was sure he was having a stroke, not so much because of his ranting as much as the amount of drool he was spilling on to his desk. He must have worn out six or seven Senate pages as they scurried back and forth with buckets, mopping up his smelly, sticky mess.

You have to feel a little sorry for a guy like John. It can be tough to go from a glamorous prisoner of war to a United States Senator to nothing more than a big white bag of lumpy skin tumors. I remember when I was in the Senate, we'd call for a vote on some stupid legislation to make poor people feel good reform measure and everyone would look around, asking, "Where's John? At the surgeon's? Again? What are they pulling out of his head this week?"

Everyone thought it was a big joke, until one time, news got out that the doctors had pulled out a seven pounder from his cheek that had hairy, goopy stuff all over it.  Turns out it was one of the few lumps that wasn't cancerous at all: It was his unborn calcified twin. It was so gross.

Apparently, the doctors noticed the bump on John's head when he was born, but attributed to his being a breach birth. They told his mother that his head "would flatten out over time." It never did, of course, which is why he always looks as if his mouth was full of rocks. He should have called Pelosi's plastic surgeon. She keeps that guy busier than a one-armed paper hanger.

You'd think that would have been the end of it, but when word got out in Senate, a bunch of Republicans insisted that John's vote should really count as two, since both he and his twin were both elected to office. Then they removed the lump, which that put an end to it, but didn't stop John for applying for double retirement benefits. I have to admit that was a pretty slick move.

I should probably send him a card before they take his whole head off.

Subscribe for each day's entry by Email!