Good news! I think my whole "resist and persist" thing is starting to work. I'm sensing there's almost a spell sweeping the
I think I know why.
Since I'm still not allowed to receive too many visitors, I have been working on channeling many members of Congress by -- are you ready for this -- psychic means. I haven't told anyone else about this, because I don't want anyone to think I'm crazy, but I am now contacting Senators and Congressmen through sheer force of my mental energy. This isn't some "look in the mirror and see John F. Kennedy" thing that we used to do at sorority slumber parties. This is for real!
I haven't told anyone else about this, diary, so it must remain a secret. After all, with great power comes
Here's what I do:
After breakfast, Bessie leaves the room for my 2 PM nap. She thinks I'm sleeping for the next four hours, but what she doesn't know is that as soon as she's gone, I reach under my mattress to grab my special hat that I made with a bunch of tin foil I saved from my other lunches. It's kind of greasy and smells like fried chicken, but that doesn't seem to limit its power.
As soon as I'm sure Bessie is gone, I sit up in bed, put on the hat and begin chanting a spell I learned from an old rerun of "Bewitched." I don't dare write the actual words, because the spell is secret and I don't want it to lose its effectiveness. What I can say is that it's one of Aunt Clara's, where she screws up Darren's ad campaign by turning him into a bunny.
First I put on the hat and then I shut my eyes really tight, imagining that I'm
And it works!
I know, I didn't believe it first either, but just about every day, I see Schumer
But this is a real game changer.