Thursday, July 20, 2017

July 20, 2017

Dear Diary,

Although I do my best not to dwell on it, I can't help but think about what things were like a year ago today. I was riding high. The world was my oyster. And that obnoxious backstabbing Negro was on his way out plans for my coronation were already under way. I had a crown all the furniture for the Oval Office picked out and IKEA even doubled my credit limit for the occasion.

Of course, things didn't turn out the way I hoped, but at least I didn't get stuck with the major bills. The arabs spent about a million bucks on that artificial glass ceiling which they couldn't even give away a garage sale. I suppose I should feel bad about that, but those towel heads people wipe their asses with hundred dollar bills, so I'm not going to waste too much time on it.

I guess the thing that bothers me most is that I could have done so much good for so many people. Take the Department of Defense, for example. I'm a firm believer in a strong America, but if you're really serious about looking strong, you have to look your best and for the life of me, I don't know why Carrot Head lets Mad Dog Mattis run around looking the way he does.

Although he's a non-woman, I still have a great deal of respect for General Mattis. But something really has to be done about those bags under his eyes.  Believe me, when you put a dog in the fight, you want a pit bull, not a bloodhound!  If I were queen Commander in Chief, the first thing I'd do is have a little sit-down with Mattis and let him in on a little trick I picked up from some female impersonators I met in the Philippines when I was Secretary of State.

Yes, Bill was with me, but I don't want to talk about it.

Anyway, those "girls" spend too much on drugs to afford plastic surgery, so they get rid of those pesky bags by smearing on a little Preparation H under each eye. I tried it and it really works! You just have to be careful not to apply too much, otherwise your eye sockets shrink to a tiny pucker and it can be a week before you see daylight again.

Just a little touch up here and there will make any girl look perky and bright. I bet it would do wonders going face-to-face with the Russkies, too. I wouldn't even begin to bring up toners and foundation with him, though. Men are so stubborn.

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