Sunday, July 23, 2017

July 23, 2017

Dear Diary,

Sunday is supposed to be a day of rest, but today Bessie came home from church and looked anything but tranquil. Despite our attempts to convert her, she still attends one of those Haitian voodoo storefronts where they bite the heads of chickens and stick pins into rats and drink blood.  At least I think that's what they do.  We saw a lot of that when we were setting up the tax scam Clinton Foundation in Haiti a few years ago.

People don't really know what we were doing in Haiti. They can't understand how we raised hundreds of millions of dollars for those poor, starving Haitians who were battered by a storm or earthquake or something. I forget what it was, but what difference does it make???  It's not like poverty is anything new to them. Those people were poor, smelly and totally disgusting disadvantaged long before any natural disaster.

Americans need to learn about other cultures and accept those cultures, no matter how much they differ from our own. For example, Haitians love to live and bathe in their own filth. Who are we to really judge that? If they didn't enjoy living in squalor, do you really think so many of them would? Well, that's one of the things we found out after we raised the first hundred million. They liked living in slums, so in the name of good old American self-determination, we chose not to disrupt their lives. I think that speaks so highly of the Clinton Foundation. We're really good that way.

Oh diary, I feel we have been so misunderstood. The Clinton Foundation did so much work to support women's issues outside of Haiti, too. In fact, many women around the world never get to experience a real catered wedding at exclusive gated residences where black people aren't permitted.  So we put millions into the Clinton Privileged Wedding Fund. I thought it was typically generous of Chel to volunteer her wedding to be a test case when we couldn't dissuade her from marrying that Jew.

Unfortunately, that project turned out to be unsustainable. Flying Hungarian violinists and multi-tiered wedding cakes to all corners of the world turned out to be a logistical nightmare. We had to shut it down right after Chel's wedding, but we learned our lesson:

It's a lot tougher to stop a Jew from stealing your only daughter than you might think.

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