Monday, July 24, 2017

July 24, 2017

Dear Diary,

Judging from the number of my calls that aren't being returned, nobody seems interested in my idea about a movie of my life. I guess that's how it is in Hollywood, though. They love you on your way up but kick you when you lose after all your polls say you had it locked up you're down. I thought for sure they'd at least look over the treatment, seeing as how so many of them opened up their homes to me during the you-know-what.

They probably were betting that when I ascended to the throne became Command in Chief, all those phonies campaign donors supporters would have been appointed ambassadors to their favorite countries. At the time, Podesta had a tote board on the wall that tracked their bids. It was sort of like an EBay for Democrats, where everyone bid against everyone else with donations for different countries. At one point, Bono had France bid up two million, but then the arabs took over Paris and we couldn't give it away. I think we ended up slotting Schumer there, hoping a terrorist attack would finish the job.

Just before the you-know-what, Clooney was way ahead in the bidding for Italy and Streisand was locking up Israel, even though everyone there hates her. The big problem was what we were going to do with Caroline Kennedy, because O-Butt-Face stuck her in Japan, which is a pretty popular spot. Last I heard, she had no intention of leaving Tokyo, which is too bad because from what I hear, the orientals aren't too crazy about her. She can't speak a word of Japanese other than konichiwa, so she doesn't even know they've been calling her "horse face" all these years. I think she just likes being taller than everyone else.

I always thought that Caroline was a very angry person. Probably because she totally lost the lottery in the Kennedy looks department. Her father, mother and brother were all really good looking, but Caroline's gone through life being really bitter because she constantly has to tell people she's really a Kennedy, even though she's so blindingly hard to look at. She gets really angry when people ask her how long it took for her face to heal from the accident. That can't be easy. Then again, the rest of her family is dead, so I guess she got the last laugh on them.

I should probably have Chel call her. They have a lot in common: They both aren't beauty queens, they're both Democrats and they both married Jews, although I'm certain Caroline gets to bring pork into the house.

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