Thursday, July 27, 2017

July 27, 2017

Dear Diary,

When I'm not napping or hallucinating from my meds, I spend a fair amount of time thinking about what I can do to make myself wealthy and powerful help make the world a better place.  I've always been a very nice person that way. I'm generous, too. I never charge people for giving them advice, even though I dole out plenty of it and even though people don't always ask for it. Bill says that makes me an annoying bitch a good citizen and I agree.

But what can I do? When I see a problem, gosh darn it, I try to fix it! That's just the kind of person I am.

This week, for example, I heard my old henchman friend Debbie Wasserman-Schultz got her tit in a ringer had a minor "situation" when one of her employees accidentally stole some data and computer from Congress. I'm sure the whole thing was a misunderstanding. After all, the poor guy was some raghead Pakistani who probably didn't understand our cultural differences. In his country, people steal government computers all the time and nobody blinks an eye. It's sort of like honor rapes and killings: we may not understand them, but does that mean they're wrong? I think Americans need to show more compassion to other cultures, although to be honest, I could do without the whole female genital mutilation thing.  Kind of yucky.

Ever since the you-know-what, nobody calls me about these types of things, but if she had, I would have told Debbie to get some facial plastic surgery pronto how to handle the whole situation.  First thing would be to get an Indian computer guy to "wipe" the computer. I'm talking a dot head Indian, not a redskin Native American.  American Indians will do anything for a beer, but those dot heads really know their stuff.

I know they talk funny and they're incredibly difficult to understand when you call them for tech support, but those darkies untouchables from Hyderabad can perform miracles on a dial up connection from ten thousand miles away. That's the guy you want. Plus, dot head Indians are always on the brink of nuclear war with Pakistan, so after the laptop is killed, he can move on to the rogue employee, Seth Rich style, if you get my drift. They have lots of manure pits where you can dump bodies practically anything, too, just like in "Slumdog Millionaire." I have no idea how those people can live with that smell.

Anyway, that's how we always handled it at Camp Clinton and nobody ever asked any questions. Even Trey Gowdy can't touch us, and he's as tough as they come.

You never could tell Debbie anything, though. She has a lot of anger issues. I think they stem from her low self-image, probably from going through life looking like a wet plucked chicken.  Poor thing.

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