Monday, July 31, 2017

July 31, 2017

Dear Diary,

Had a tough night sleeping, only to be woken up -- rudely, I might add -- by Bill rushing in to tell me that Carrot Head hired General John Kelly to replace that snotty little shit Reince Priebus as his chief of staff. Bill has always been scared shitless of on guard with the military ever since he dodged the draft he ran for student government office back in college. That was before we were dating, when he ran off was accepted to Oxford and majored in rape political studies.

Personally, I think hiring a military person is a good idea, although it would have been better if she were a woman. I would have even settled for a cross-dressing homo like J. Edgar Hoover, instead of some macho gook killer Marine type, but I guess there's something romantically reminiscent of Dr. Strangelove when you see bars and stars across the table with your morning coffee and sticky buns.

The last military chief of staff was Alexander Haig, who was a real sexist pig that served under Nixon, although from what I hear, Nixon spent a fair of time under him. Hint, hint. Let's face it, Nixon wasn't exactly Mister Macho and Al was a four-pack a day guy who only put down his cigarettes to gnaw a pound of raw red meat right off the bone. It's also no secret that Nixon and his wife, Pat, slept in separate bedrooms, which made the relationship very convenient. When you're the Commander in Chief, nobody questions the noises coming from behind your bedroom door, no matter what time of day or night.

Been there. Done that.

I feel a certain kinship with Al Haig because he also popped up on Reagan's team as Secretary of State. Who can ever forget the day my hired assassin missed his shot John Hinckley tried to take out old "Rawhide." We were all glued to our sets, watching Haig sweat like a whore in church while announcing he was "in control here." It's a good thing the TV cameras focused on his face, because everyone who was there said there was a brown stripe a mile wide down the back of his pants and the smell only got worse under all those hot lights.

Reagan managed to survive, which is one way to send your approval ratings sky high, I guess.  It always bugged me that Reagan called Nancy "Mommy." Bill never called me "Mommy." He always called me "Bossie" and made me wear a cow bell.


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