Wednesday, August 2, 2017

August 2, 2017

Dear Diary,

This summer weather has really taken a toll on me. Yesterday I found out the hard way that diuretics and antihistamines do not play well together. I don't remember much, but Bessie insists that when I got drowsy I sneezed really hard and let loose from every orifice I own. It was a mess. All I can say is thank goodness for rubber sheets and bleach. If it hadn't been so gross, I'd have to say it was pretty impressive.

I haven't been keeping track of my expenses -- we have Jewish people accountants who do that -- and I can only imagine how all much all my care must be costing. It's awfully nice of Dr. Morell to attend to me at no charge, but he really isn't fooling anyone. Murray, our Jew accountant, told Bill that he's seen Vladimir Putin's VISA card paying for all my electronic surveillance equipment medical costs, but I can't help wondering how the peasants ordinary Americans cope with all this.

This is why I campaigned so hard for tax reform during the you-know-what. I had a plan that was really nifty, but for some reason, nobody wanted to hear about it. They just kept harping about my e-mails. Everyone kept harassing me about not picking up the phone to help our people in Benghazi, but I was really busy working out a new tax plan. Or sleeping. I forget which.

My plan was much fairer than what we have now. These days, unless you're a multi-national corporation, you can't benefit from any tax breaks. But my plan had benefits for all the unwashed masses working Americans. For example, I sponsored legislation making pants suits 100% deductible and even introduced a "gender tax" that I thought was fair:

With all of this LGBTQ crap awareness currently in vogue, I proposed a genital tax -- a flat rate for all Americans. Every year, each woman would be taxed once on her noo-noo and each non-woman would be taxed at the same rate: once on his Johnson and once for each cojone. At first, it seems that non-women are being taxed at three times the rate of women, but in reality, this is how we make up for the wage gap. Isn't that clever? Of course, we'd have to make allowances for veterans, amputees and transgenders, but the little people IRS could figure that out. They have forms for those kinds of things.

I'm also working on a tax deduction for hit men domestic servants, but haven't ironed out whether to include ammunition their dependents or not.

I have other ideas, too. Should make me unstoppable in 2020!

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